Tag Archives: grief

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday Dad!

For as long as I can remember you were the first person I would call on our birthday. We would both wish each other a happy birthday and often sang the traditional birthday tune in an off key rendition that only we [and our family] could appreciate. So happy 66th birthday! The age that you could officially retire (even though you had been for years now) you went off to the ultimate retirement home! Please give Jesus a hug for me.

I think about you often Dad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you, but those moments in the day when I don’t something still feels amiss or off. Its like something is missing, and I have the physical feeling that I did something terribly wrong. You know when you feel guilty and your insides feel tight, and there is that quiet pressure near your sternum waiting to bubble up. Though I didn’t do anything wrong, something did go terribly wrong. That’s what grief physically feels like. You would know having lost your mother when you were 11 and your dad in your 40s.

I am so blessed to have so many amazing memories to hold on to. Like little birthday presents I unwrap these memories and remember. Sometimes its remembering a look you gave me, they way you danced, an experience that we shared, or a quiet embrace. You were such a gentle soul.

Mom, Missy, and I (and later some others) are off to tour the local Vineyards today!  The idea of having dinner at home and only singing happy birthday once was too raw – but because of my love of wine, and yours too – we will be going ’round to the wineries and raising a glass today and lighting your candle along the way. (Check out the photos on Instagram by searching #vineyardbday, and #partingGlass)

Our family holds deep Irish traditions, so I raise a glass high to you dad! You were the best. Your entire life from what I could see was built on making others feel loved and welcome. Truly you were a man after Gods heart, and an imitator of Christ. I miss you every single day dad. Oh how I wish you were not handed the parting glass! I wish I could take it back and have another year with you, another moment, another breath. But come fell to you – the parting glass. You’re never forgotten, and always treasured so deep in my heart.
I raise my glass to you with this song. An old Irish hymn that cries out from the grave.

Happy Birthday Dad. Today I spread my wings and fly out of the nest – all on my own. Thirty-Four years and I am soaring Dad. I can’t wait to see you again. May it be just a breath between now and then when we sing in merriment again!

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Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.

Lay it at His feet

Through the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, and BWCA trip planning its easy to forget why there is a giant hole in my heart. I’m learning through it all to lay it down at His feet. Everything I’ve ever tried to hold on to, and figure out on my own has been met with anxiety and worry.

Allow me to explain.

I’ve written down a few times that I’m was very nervous about my birthday that is coming up in now 14 days. A birthday that I had shared with my dad since that Monday morning that I came into the world 34 years ago at 11:13 a.m. The day that I became connected with my father, and bonded in this date forever. The last time I posted about it, I was in the depths of sorrow finally allowing myself to think about what my birthday will look like without him.

Without the joint birthday song singing, cake eating, and typical birthday fanfare we once shared.

I prayed a prayer that night asking God to take this feeling of anxiety surrounding my our my? birthday from me and woke up feeling refreshed about it. My sister had come up with an idea that was actually a deep desire that I had had that I didn’t even know she knew. Maybe she didn’t know. Maybe it was God planning out what he knew was in my heart.

We are planning to go on a Vineyard Tour of several of the Western Wisconsin/Eastern Minnesotan wineries along the St. Croix River Valley. Wine – something that I love and something my dad loved as well. We are going to bring his candle along and light it at each vineyard and raise a glass to birthdays and memories. I think I like this idea for future birthday’s as well, or at least some version of it.

God is in the business of answering prayers friends. He will never leave me or forsake me.

It wasn’t easy to get to this more restful place though. I had to lay this down at the feet of Jesus. I have to lay down a lot of things at His feet. When I tried to hold this part in, and stuff it down it became unbearable to bear. Jesus says, “Come to me, Lindsey who is weary and carries heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT and mine)

You see friends, when we lay our cares and worries at the feet of Jesus he picks up those heavy, messy and broken pieces. That angst and fear that can drown us.

Psalm 55:22 Give your burdens to the lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. // 1 Peter 5:7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. // Philippians 4:6-9 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Amen Amen Amen.

Redeeming Helper,
Thank you for your strength Lord. Thank you for letting me rest in you. Thank you for carrying and taking this burden of worry for me. Whenever I have called out to you to help me you’ve never failed me. You are always here whenever I need you. Thank you for being consistent Father and loving me always.

Amen Amen Amen.

Here’s My Heart Lord

I stated early in this process that my cousin said to me, “Lindsey… these are the times that your faith either grows unimaginably stronger, or you loose it all together”. She was so right. I suppose you could continue on in your faith as usual, but I am a person of deep feeling, and emotion. Maybe its because of that genetic makeup of my being, or because I have been inviting the Holy Spirit into my life in such a deep and powerful way, but the blinders have been lifted off my eyes.

Of course I’ve always always believed in Christ as my savior, but now its not just believing, its seeing, and feeling.

When everything else is taken away from me, I am reminded that God is more than enough, He’s all I have, He’s everything.

He’s the life link between me and my dad, who I know is standing beside him. I can’t imagine if my dad was not a follower of Christ – and I would be unsure if he is in heaven, but I know with all of my being that he is.

In all of this – my heart has been so fully surrendered to God. I trust so deep to my core that he is sovereign in all things. How couldn’t I?

One area in my life I have been shoving down more privately however is the subject of my birthday – a birthday whom I share[d] with my dad. Even when I was in the Navy I shared my birthday with our physician/LT so I’ve never really really had my birthday be my own… Anytime I allow my self to think about it too much I feel a full blown panic attack approaching. My mom, bless her, asked what I wanted for my birthday dinner and cake since it would be all up to me now…

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Frankly I guess I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to pick a cake by myself or a meal for dinner. Initially I think that maybe I just don’t want my birthday at all anymore, I don’t care. The thought of it is inconceivable to me… but a thought crossed my mind – that maybe picking my own cake, or my own birthday dinner feels like I’m taking advantage of the situation. My dad and I are supposed to battle it out. I don’t want swiss and cranberry pork tenderloin and he doesn’t want chipped beef… I want 7 up Bunt Cake, and he wants Keys House Cake. Of course I have the options to myself now… but I don’t want to. It feels all so wrong, and stings.

Its also a blinding reminder that it is true that my dad is gone, and maybe that’s the hardest part, or maybe a combination of the three.

Several years ago my prayer for my life were the lyrics of the song Oceans. Oh how I prayed for those lyrics to come true. God has faithfully lead me to this place of deep wonderment. Of course it was NOT the way I supposed it would happen, but nonetheless I am here trusting God without boarders.

I heard this song during worship a few weeks back and have been listening to it nearly every day since. It is my new prayer.

Father I am ready and here upon the waters as you’ve called me – the great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find You in the mystery In oceans deep My faith will stand.
And I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I AM Yours and You ARE mine.

Father I have felt your beautiful presence in my life so strongly these past four months that I see you Lord. You have shown me your mercy, and love, and holiness in a way I never would have seen otherwise. Though my feet feel like they are FAILING ME whenever I think about my birthday – the moment in time when you created me, created my father, and joined us together with You – I know that you will be with me through this. Though this marks strongly reality for me that my father is with you Father let me be in prayer that I am comforted by you and your grace once more.

I’m here Lord. I’m in the waters, and they are a scary place to be. I feel myself sinking, but then I see that you are with me. While I am here Lord – speak what you need to, and want to. The blinders are off, my ears are listening and tear filled eyes are pointed and focused towards you. Through this season I am found, I am Yours I am loved, I’m made pure. I have life, I can breathe I am healed, I am free. You are strong, You are sure, You are life, You endure. You are good, always true You are light breaking through. You are more than enough, You are here, You are love. You are hope, You are grace YOU’RE ALL I HAVE, YOU’RE EVERYTHING!

– Here’s my heart Lord – Here’s my life Lord – Speak what is true.

A time to heal

Its been two months to the day now since my dad has been gone. That seems strange, and it seems like its been at least a year. Time is funny that way.

Last year my family (my parents, husband , kiddo, siblings and their families) all took a trip to Voyagers National Park via a Houseboat expedition. It wast the most unreal trip of my life! And since then I’ve been excited for family trips, but nothing like how I was excited for that trip. The time spent as family and the deep conversations that were invoked, the beauty of scenery were par none.

Just about a month ago I’ve become completely obsessive over my first trip into the BWCAW. Its something I’ve wanted to do for several years, but just in the past month I’ve felt an irresistible urge to go,  and have gotten more excited over it so far, than perhaps I’ve gotten about anything…. ever. My husband daughter and I and maybe the dogs plan to go next summer, and if that goes well we will go each year. Hours have been poured into which route to take, what time of year would be best and what gear is critical for this trip. I’m so thankful that my husband is getting into it a bit as well.

My dad knew me… knows how much I enjoy nature and peace and adventure. I honestly feel like it is him and God that is leading me towards this trip. A trip for healing. Not only in the trip itself, but as my dad said when planning our trip to Voyagers last year, half the fun is in the planning and anticipation.  I’m going to take this present- as a time to heal.

The author of Ecclesiastes shares that there is a time for everything.

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Let the planning begin!

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I’m gonna sit right here

I had no idea what to write about this week until I was driving home today and heard this song on the radio – I’ve heard it many times before but hadn’t ever paid any attention to any of the lyrics until today. I’ve sang with the song even the harmony, but literally could not tell you even what the song was about… but tuning into the lyrics and listening today it was just so perfect. I listened to it at LEAST 20 times between 5pm and 10:30 p.m.

This is my favorite part of the song –

Funny how the good ones go
Too soon, but the good Lord knows
The reasons why, I guess

Sometimes the greater plan
Is kinda hard to understand
Right now it don’t make sense
I can’t make it all make sense

So I’m gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
And Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

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At this moment – I am sitting in it. I’m not trying to make sense of any of it, but just sitting in this thing we call life. Thinking and crying through memories that I was lucky to share with my dad. It would be just like my dad to sit and watch a sunset and enjoy a beer, or a glass of wine or a margarita… and even if there was chaos around him, he would admire that sunset because that’s what was happening at that moment.

He was so good about quiet reflection, and was always about the special moments and lived his life Carpe Diem ~ seizing the day!

He had a knack for turning ordinary moments into extraordinary moments and if you were lucky enough to be near him during these times, made you feel like you were the most special person on Earth.

I’ve been reading and marinating through Psalm 23 which was one of the readings we picked out for my dads services. I also picked up a book that really goes in and dissects Psalm 23 verse by verse, word by word so that you can really drink it in.  Currently I’m really focused in on verses 1-3.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
     He restores my soul.

I really feel as though the Lord is placing in my heart a feeling of contentment. He makes me lie down in green pastures – or sit on the edge of the pier – where I am safe from the turbulent waters. He calms the waters, and is restoring my soul. Not to say that some nights I don’t cry myself to sleep or have my moments, but overall I have a peace about me that is unexplainable. Its as if God and my dad have a hand on my shoulder… saying… we’re right here. Its okay.

For whatever reason I’ve been called to this moment. So, I’m going to walk out and sit on the edge of this pier of life and watch the oceans rise and fall, and be in this moment. Seek what it is teaching me beyond what lies on the surface, seek out the beauty of this moment…and watch the sunset disappear. ~ And have a glass of wine.

Proverbs 3:5

Since my last post I have gone out to see my dad’s grave site which now has a marker on it. It sets things in, and makes this whole ordeal real. My daughter and I laid in front of the marker, and stared up at the heavens. I asked her what she thought “Poppie” was doing at this moment, and she thought perhaps that he was watching Snow White with all the kids that were already in heaven… (a favorite past time of theirs).

“I sat at his grave and cried for my missing friend and for all the lost opportunities.
God is good and God is sovereign, but sometimes he’s so hard to understand.”
-Sam Childers ‘Another Man’s War’
Compliments of Danielle Conley

Proverbs 3:5 comes immediately to mind, when reading the quote above –  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. (NLT). Isn’t that so true. In these precious moments I have nothing BUT to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. I dare not depend on my own understanding because nothing about what happened makes sense. But I feel a sense of calm come over me anytime that I just repeat to myself that God is good… and God is sovereign. He is in control and someday I will too will understand.

I honestly try hard not to think about it too much. – the why’s and the what ifs… It hurts my head, causes me anxiety and puts in me a fearful heart. Do not confuse this with “stuffing it down” which I certainly am not…I’m being a realist. I could search this world until the end of time, and I am convinced I will never have the answer. So why dwell on it and waste emotion on unanswerable questions.

I’m currently living with forgetting. Not forgetting my dad in general of course and not flat out denial that he died, but just forgetting that he did die. Just yesterday a friend of mine wrote a post on Facebook about a housing inspection she needed to get through and I almost commented stating that I would ask my dad if he could do it… In a blink I smirked to myself forgetting for a moment that he was no longer on this side of heaven.

In his book “A Grief Observed C.S. Lewis talks about this. “Its not true that I’m always thinking of H. Work and conversation make that impossible. But the times when I’m not are perhaps my worst. For then, though I have forgotten the reason, there is spread over everything a vague sense of wrongness of something amiss. Like in those dreams where nothing terrible occurs – nothing that would sound even remarkable if you told it as breakfast-time – but the atmosphere, the taste, of the whole thing is deadly. So with this. I see the rowan berries reddening and don’t know for a moment why they, of all things, should be depressing. I hear a clock strike and some quality it always had before has gone out of the sound. What’s wrong with the world to make it so flat, shabby, worn-out looking? Then I remember.”

Each day brings me something new. Most days I have purely blissful moments, and now, more often than not I am generally happy. But I still feel this cloud looming over me, as if it is following me, raining down, getting me wet, ruining my plans, and being generally annoying.

I’m learning to dance in the rain though… and make the most of it. It’s my new normal as my cousin’s wife pointed out to me shortly after my fathers passing. She shared,

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler.

So what am I learning from dancing in the rain? I have grown so much closer to God in this place. Though I am wet, and damp, and frustrated that my plans didn’t turn out how I thought they should go there is a beauty here that I wouldn’t have known had I not been here.  I feel a sense of newness in my relationship with Christ that is stronger than ever before. I feel so deeply dependent and in love with Him, not as a crutch, but in gratitude that I don’t have to figure any of this out on my own. I don’t have to do this by myself, or try to understand it. I can cast all my cares on to God who will sustain me, and not let me be shaken. ~ Psalm 55:22. (My paraphrase from NIV)

I am learning through Philippians 4:13 (NLT). “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength”. I can get through this grief and see the sunshine of tomorrow behind the veil of the rain. I can rest assured that my father is joyfully praising our Creator face to face. I feel strengthened by Christ, and closer to him and more thankful to Him than ever before. I will pour out praise to Him over and over again because it is His breath in my lungs.

You give hope, You restore

Every heart that is broken

GREAT – ARE – YOU – LORD

Take me DEEPER than my feet could ever wander

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This past week has been hard. Reality is starting to sink in and I realize I need to cling to our sovereign Lord  tighter than ever before. Each night when my head hits the pillow and I go to finally shut my eyes I just find a flood of tears rolling down my face. I think this is okay and I find it healing.

Sometimes its just good to cry, and let it all out. I’ve been finding myself, when feeling choked up to choke it back down. Not for any particular reason like not wanting my friends to see me cry, because I’m a pretty “wear my life on my sleeve” kind of gal, and I’m not trying to be, “A strong christian woman” who never cries, because as we know from John 11:35 “Then Jesus wept”; God cries too.

We have a God who loves us, and empathizes with us and weeps openly with us. Perhaps I hold it in because I know once I start I can’t stop, or perhaps I’m not in the mood to grieve, or I’m having a good moment. This past week though, involuntarily as soon as I shut my eyes at night I too weep.

My Shepard is leading me DEEPER than my feet have ever wandered before. To a place that is the holiest of holies. The lyric in the song by Oceans says, Take me DEEPER than my feet would ever wander, where my faith would be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior…

I feel closer to God than ever before and today at the spur of the moment I decided to go back to Eagle Brook Church for worship and I’m so glad I did. I was treated to Pastor Steve’s last day there. He is the worship pastor and his musicality is unlike anything I’ve ever heard in my life. Today of all days was his last day as Worship pastor at EBC. I’m disappointed that he is moving on, but I was so lucky that I chose today of all days to worship with him to worship the God of the universe.

During the message we were invited to memorize our key verse which was so fitting for this season of my life, “Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again – my Savior and my God!” ~ Psalm 42:56

I was locked in with God this morning, and will praise Him again and again. I do know why I am discouraged and why my heart is so sad, and I will still praise him again and again and again! Because of what He did on the cross, He broke the curtain that separated us from Him. My father is worshiping with my heavenly Father and someday I too will join them! There is a tender loving reason to celebreate.

He brought me deeper into worship than my feet would have ever gone by themselves. During the song posted below I drunk in each word, and the tears flooded down my face as I could barely sing any of the words aloud.

My Lord is my first, He is my last, He is my Future, He is my past.

I’m so thankful down on my knees that I’ve known Jesus my whole life. He is my first and my past because of my dad [and mom] who faithfully lead me to church every Sunday growing up. My dad pointed me towards this loving God of the universe, and through his own life imiated Christ. He showed the world what it really meant to love one another, and extend mercies beyond all understanding.

I’m no closer to having any answers, but I’ve leaned into God more this week than I have ever before, which is exactly where I think God wants me to be. He is my Future and always has been, but i just see it so much clearer now.

I invite you to listen to this beautiful song that in the words of Pastor Steve, made my eyes sweat today!

Running is like Grief

I’m still getting that “age old” question, “how are you”. Its a question people ask the grieving that is as old as the dawn of time. Mostly I now just tell people that I’m fine because I am fine. Some days I have downright amazing days, and other times its just so sad to think that new memories won’t be made with that part of my life.

Above all though this journey could be compared to running. Since 1999 I have been a runner. I began running over the winter that year to get prepared for boot-camp the following year, and started running three miles at a time a few times a week. I was hooked.

While I was in the Navy I became more serious about running, and even ran my first marathon in 2002 and countless half marathons after that. (In fact my very first official race was the marathon! Go big or go home right?)

After a particularly difficult 10 mile race last summer I decided I was going to hang up my laces for a while and took an 11 month hard break from running. I ran five miles on National Running day this year on June 4th which was nearly unbearable, and then began running more regularly just last week. Just two and three miles at a time, a few times each week.

I’m so out of shape. Running just two miles at a 10 minute pace is grueling but like life I just have to put one foot in front of another and continue. Like running I wake up, get dressed, go to work, and try to be a normal and happy person, and it mostly works.

I take each day, day-by-day- each hour by hour, and each moment by moment, just like I take each marathon by half marathon, half marathon by mile, and mile by step. My friend Hannah blogs over at Feet Move Forward and I think she’s really on to something. You just have to move forward.

Do I want to lay in bed all day and wallow in despair? Yes. But I have my husband counting on me, my daughter counting on me, my animals (all 9) counting on me, and my work counting on me. You just move. Move forward. It doesn’t matter how much that day, just move.

I’ve been daydreaming lately of running goals I have over the next year… – as this metaphor continues, and like my blog’s namesake says, “Feet May Fail” some of these daydreams might fail. My day might fail me, and the hour or minute might fail me, but I have to try something. Go out where feet may fail, and not be afraid to get out of the boat.

I think 2015 is going to be a spectacular come back year for me. I don’t want to give too much away, but stay tuned throughout my journey as I use running as a healing outlet for me to cope with this grief.

One block… one mile… one half marathon, and one marathon at a time!

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Hebrews 12:1 And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

Retreat – To the Shores of Lake Superior

This past weekend my husband, siblings (their spouses), and myself headed up to Madeline Island, Wisconsin. A vacation that we had planned for several months was a very welcome distraction and came with perfect timing! We were able to share memories, and also spend the majority of the time goofing off as siblings do! It was such a welcome distraction from the non-stop feeling that my world is falling apart.

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I have a bit of a confession. I’ve heard from many of you who have admired my strength and my faith, but to be raw, and honest, and real… this past week I had been fretting over answered and unanswered prayers. Does God even hear me when I pray? Does he even care about my will, or is it all up to him? I laid awake last Tuesday night in hysterics thinking that God doesn’t hear me at all, and what even holds our universe let alone world in balance? I imagined our planet flying through space, and wondered desperately what holds us together? The prince of darkness tried to drench me with his lies that God is far away, and that he doesn’t care about anyone. But in an instant I was sobered when I took pause and read verses like:

Luke 12:24-34:Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? “Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I even felt better when I read the words of Jesus when hanging on the cross cried out to God saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” Matthew 27:46.  Even Jesus himself questioned the Father, and He was not offended.  The feeling is normal. Asking questions is completely normal.

The prince of darkness tried to make me stumble and fall, but I have the strength of Jesus Christ on my side, and have the treasures of His word in my heart.  I know the real truth and the real story is that God loves me. He loves my dad, and He loves my family. It wasn’t Gods aim to make us feel like our world was falling apart, to cause us angst, or worry, or despair. But God loves us through it all. Through these messy times where we question him, and even wonder if He hears us he Loves us. When I doubt that my will is ever done He loves us. When we question if anyone in this world matters He loves us.

He is not offended by these questions, or when we stumble and fall, He is there to catch us, not stand by and be offended. He loves us, He loves us, He loves us!

Here is the back story on the song “How He Loves” which is a lot like my own story.

Take Heart

Everyone asks how I am doing….

I don’t know…. how do I possibly answer a question like that? I could say, “I’m doing fine, or pretty good” but it honestly depends moment to moment. Mostly though, I would say I am okay.  My life has been changed, and although time will loosen these knots inside of me… right now I realize I am changed. I’m quieter and at times prefer time to reflect. This blog is such a blessing to me. It helps me say the words I want to cry out to everyone I see… words that are stuck tight inside of my throat. Such a weird place for me, as I’m never without words, yet I find myself so taciturn.

Work is pretty busy right now, but sometimes I need a quick break away. This past week I found myself driving for a break and came across this secret garden. This beautiful place of hope that I never knew existed. Somehow my car drove me there, and this is my spot when I need to catch my breath…re-calibrate. Bumble Bees kissed the earth, and monarchs fluttered about… I spent about 20 minutes there quiet… and came back to work refreshed. This. is. my. spot.

The nights had been especially hard. My mind is as if it is on a mouse wheel, turning and turning, and thinking and thinking…. What does it feel like to choke? Was my dad terrified? Was Jesus with him in that moment saying, “My good and faithful son, I am here, take heart and take my hand?” I’m unsettled by the fragility of life. I know that there is life after this, but I find myself afraid of leaving everyone behind, and does death hurt? Is it terribly painful?

All of the distractions of this world fail me in the evening while laying in bed, and all of the memories, and questions, come flooding at me. I’m forced to stare Jesus in the face… as if he is on the other side of a tight rope, and I have to just look at him should I loose my balance and fall.  I’m reminded of a time when I was in high school that I chose to stay out the entire night. My parents were particularly worried, and on this particular night rain was falling. I will never forget when my dad told me that he kneeled down in the middle of the road in the middle of the pouring rain with his arms stretched out and cried out to the Lord for my safe return. I did come home unscathed, and this imagery caries through now. When I close my eyes I feel myself in the middle of the road during my own rain storm with my arms stretched out to the lord and thankful that he has overcome, and has my father tight in His arms.

The past several nights I’ve taken extreme comfort in listening to this song; like a lullaby to my soul.  In John  the author says, “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33 (NIV). It brings me such comfort and grace that I’m able to loosen the knots, and relax and drift peacefully to sleep.

Should oceans rise and mountains fall He never fails ~ So take heart, let His love lead us though the night. Hold on to hope, and take courage again.