Tag Archives: bereavement

captain

two years ago today marks the date.

of those non-stop phone calls I kept ignoring.

listening to Oceans by Hillsong United. praying those lyrics and etching them into my soul.

two years ago – reminds me where i’ve been

and where I’m going…

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 7.18.02 PM

 

where i’ve been –
Way back in May of 2013 My co-worker and friend Vanessa had sent me this song over Spotify message that simply said, “Today’s song“. Little did I know that the moment I listened to those lyrics I would make them my life prayer over the next several years.

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 10.32.58 PM

To be a woman of God who would get out of the boat and follow Jesus onto the water. To have faith that ran as deep as the Mariana Trench and beyond.

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 7.53.27 PM

Through waters uncharted my soul will embark
I’ll follow Your voice straight into the dark

After several repeated phone calls from my mother on July 1, 2014 – I answered the phone. Nothing but Jesus could have prepared me for that proverbial gut punch. “Your dad has choked on his breakfast… lost consciousness…heart stopped…. on a ventilator….in a coma…. come quickly.” The words bled together.

Tearing my laptop out of the wall at work – just ahead of the Red, White & Boom! TC Half Marathon that I am Course Chair for – I ripped off to St. John’s Hospital in Maplewood, MN.

… and waited

… prayed

…begged

…bargained

…and while my heavenly Captain knew where we were going, I could not understand the course that He charted for us.

Lost in the shallows amidst fear and fog
Your truth is the compass that points me back north

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 10.36.16 PM

I believe to this day, that singing those lyrics to Oceans – over and over and over the year prior kept my entire focus on Jesus during the months after. Not projecting, or burying the hurt, but fully trusting that God had it all figured out, and not carrying the burden of trying relentlessly to understand why this happened. Just simply getting out of the boat, and grabbing on to His hand.

10409774_510177953422_9221602379070244144_n

In 2015 I heard this song – Anchor also by Hillsong. Classic. Now that I took the step out of the boat – I had an amazing Anchor of faith to help hold me steady. I knew, whatever the storm was, my vessel would not be blown around, but conversely would stand the test of time.

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 7.47.49 PM

 

That year I saw anchors everywhere. On billboards, Facebook posts, a wedding invitation, and a random gift from my friend Vanessa of an anchor bracelet (which I’ve now turned into a necklace) that I wear to this day.

It’s a glorious reminder that I am anchored in Christ’s amazing strength through any storm, that I won’t blow away, and an abundance of grace and relentless love – each and every day.

where I’m going –
Held up in genius fashion, yet another song from Hillsong for 2016. And isn’t it kind of weird that they’re all so eerily related, and similar, and perfectly progressive?  All relating so perfectly to water. Perhaps this is a spiritual baptism I’m encountering, slowly being transfigured into a new creation.  As if that God of ours knew, and knows exactly what course He is charting.

Like the wind
You’ll guide
Clear the skies before me
And I’ll glide this open sea

My eyes are still focused straight on him.

I am not saying in the least that its easy, or that I never shed a tear. I shed a lot of tears when I allow myself to think about the tragedy that occurred, and I do allow it.

After all – Jesus wept too.

I find myself completely stunned however –  every time I play back the memories. That really… this was My dad. and he really IS gone, and now this is really MY story.

Knowing though – that I have a Captain that knows the path set before me, and how to navigate through the tough waters makes all the difference in the world. I can glide this craft through all waters with Him.

Just shy of three years ago thirteen of us embarked on an epic houseboat adventure in Voyagers National Park! My dad – the captain…

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 6.45.15 PM

There was this spot coming out of Crane Lake into Sand Point Lake called the King Williams Narrows. Now – this doesn’t look like much from the photo, but with our huge boat we had mere feet on either side to clear the passage.

DSC_0593

It took knowledge of the distance between the land masses, the specs on the boat, a steady hand, practice from driving river boats in the Navy – trust – lots of calm and patience, and a whole lot of praying to make it through. We all trusted Captain Rich as we knew none of us were skilled enough to clear that tiny passage.

DSC_0636

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 9.56.13 PM

In the same way, I trust that God, my Captain knows the specs on my life, and the passages I will go through. “I’ve got this”, he says.

The destination that I’ve ended up thus far has been more mind blowingly beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I know that sounds odd given the circumstances, but my faith has exploded, and the peace I have is unexplainable. While darkness separates me and my dad for now – I know we will meet on the shores again. I’m so thankful to Jesus for giving us the opportunity.

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 9.57.24 PM

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 9.56.50 PM

 

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 10.35.06 PM

❤ Linds

One Year. One Month. One Day

It has been one year – one month – and one day.

Since my dad passed from this life unto the next

The day when hugged so tightly by my uncle I had no other feeling but to run away.

I wanted to run. Run from that room. Run from the nightmare. Run to Him.

I still miss my dad each day.

I find that I want to call him and tell him something that I love that we loved together. Gardening. Wine. Good food.

Instead I listen to a song and remember my dad – and think of God – where he is now.

I find it to be no coincidence that God speaks to me through others encouragement.

Through songs. Through my time at church.

This past weekend was no exception.

The words I’ve been longing to say – the feelings that are deep within me – were captured so beautifully in this video that they played yesterday at church.

I’m learning to live One Year. One Month. One Day at a time.

<p><a href=”https://vimeo.com/135388129″>Andrea's Story</a> from <a href=”https://vimeo.com/eaglebrookmn”>Eagle Brook Church</a> on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a&gt;.</p>

Stay Alive

It was about a year ago.

A series of sudden and frantic phone calls.

Call me back. We need to talk now. Something has happened.

Pulling into the ER. Parking lot – calmly – giving everything up to God.

Walking into the ER – half concussed… A Chaplain. Why is there a chaplain here? Oh God. This is bad.

Dad laying on a gurney in the ER. Heart restarted – resting – not conscious yet.  Ever.

Do whatever just to stay alive.

Begging God to intervene. Make the miracle miraculous.

Sitting bedside all day – all night. Dawn is coming…. open your eyes.

Open your eyes dad. Open them. Open them.

A series of tests to confirm lack of consciousness. Nothing. Not even control of his own heartbeat. Sure. You can say something to him. But he probably can’t hear you either.

Devastating.

Right ear on chest. Tick tock… Tick Tock… Keeping the life time clock.

Tears on cheeks. The last heart beat – heard

silence

I play back the of the rhythm of these days . The stickiness of it all. We’re stuck tight.

They choke to death. Gone. Forever.

And then the thoughts begin.

Does it make you think? It makes me think. It makes me think hard.

Can this happen to me?’

Can I die so easily?

Am I ready if it is my time?

There is a time for everything.

A time for everything under the sun.

But am I ready?

What if I were to die today? Tomorrow? Next week – Next year?

Is the trajectory that I am on today on par with who I want to be remembered by?

Epiphany in the BWCA.

How fitting – except that it isn’t what I thought it would be.

I thought [and prayed] it would be some random vision of my dad – or God. But it was this overwhelming sense to free up my life. Stop saying yes to every single obligation under the sun.

Things are so much easier in the BWCA. Physically much harder. Emotionally easier.

Focus on what is before you. Make time for real relationships.

Life at times has become shallow. In the world of technology – real meaning and conversations die.

Be the person that God invited me to be.

Connect. Stay Alive.

Be a person full of love for others. A person who has legitimate time for rest. A time for reflection on what this life is… and who God is.

Dawn is coming. Open your eyes.

Was it a call for him to open his eyes, or for me to open mine?

Draw me nearer

I served no less than 51 months Active Duty in the United Stated Navy directly after I graduated White Bear Lake High School. I graduated on a Friday – and left for bootcamp on a Monday.

I moved back to Minnesota in April of 2005 and by May I was living with my now husband Jason. (To the dismay of my parents)

It has been a full 8 months since my dad has left this world for Heaven – and its been just enough time now that I really – really miss him. I ache for him and memories that creep up split my heart apart.

Spending those 51 months away from my parents, and then living 22 miles away from each other – we didn’t stop over every weekend, or on our way home from Cub, or church. Of course we did see each other more than just birthday’s and holidays – but those times were far and few between. I was never used to seeing my dad on a daily basis and now that a real solid, healthy amount of time has gone by I miss him.

I miss him.

I miss him.

I miss him.

Since August I have been wildly chasing him through my plans for our upcoming boundary waters trip, and I still believe that I will find part of his spirit there – because God’s creation will be so prevalent, and so untouched by human hands.  We [my dad and I] shared some of our very deepest conversations over a glass of wine, and sunsets over these boarder and boundary waters during the summer of 2013, and have felt an overwhelming desire to go back; an unquenchable desire that can only be explained by the hand of God and my dad leading me towards this trip.

When I was there with my dad I was on the comfort and safety of a houseboat. No portaging, and navigation was a breeze since we had markers every hundred yards or so which lined up perfectly with the map. This time will be a bit more physically challenging – but isn’t that what’s sometimes needed?

For boundaries to be pushed, to be kicked out of the safety of the nest?  I’m greatly looking forward to the quiet reflection and solace release that will ultimately come as well on those late nights and early mornings with deadpan silence across the remote lakes of the north woods.

I’m realizing though – this will not be a coda to my healing and grieving journey. When we get back I will still stain my pillow with my tears, and choke back the screaming that tries to be let out in the night.

And I wonder if God has me right where I’m supposed to be. Silently crying out to God in the middle of the night and begging him with a tear stained face asking him to draw near to me, and cover me with wings like an eagle – as a fragile child who is terrified and afraid of what this world will bring, and what has already been brought.

I’ve never been closer to God in my entire life. Depending on him like life support to help me face each day. That His promises are true. That through my dad’s faith – I WILL see him again. And ultimately I will see Him.

When my emotions are especially raw and fragile at times, I listen to this song and repeat to myself what James says in James 4:8 “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” I’ve said so many times that verses and Gods promises are so true – but this one has been one of the truest for me. God has kept me in the comfort and safety of his wings as a majestic eagle holding its eaglet in the safety of His wing.

Is there honestly any other place that is more desirable than in the wings of the Lord? Close enough to feel His strength, His heartbeat.

I can honestly say, there is no other place I’d rather be.

Anchor

The last day of twenty fourteen!
I thought it was only appropriate to look back on where I was, where I’ve come and what I have before me. Last year I posted a litany of resolutions, or what I called Purposeful Intent. Something that I intended to do with purpose. While I did some of the things on my list, I failed completely at others.

Instead of a list that will just show me how futile human attainment (for me at least) can be, I opt in instead for a word to focus on, and a verse to pray over. I’m also in the process of writing down A Thousand Gifts – things I love to show me how I’ve been blessed and loved by the Lord, and of course my trip to the BWCAW.

Way back in 2013 I had chosen a verse for the year to focus on. I wrote it out on scratch paper in pen, and taped it to my electronic calendar which was Proverbs 19:21 – Many are the plans in a person’s heart,but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Each day since, I’ve looked at that verse and repeated it to myself. This verse gave me such a great deal of comfort while we waited to find out if our daughter was going to get into the school we desperately had hoped for, and in the aftermath of my dad.

This past summer while my father was still clinging to life in the hospital Proverbs 3:5 just would not leave my mind. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. This was my mantra – and still is. There is no way for me to understand what happened, and all I can do is trust fully in the Lord and know that this is not the end of the story.

After hearing this amazing song by none other than Hillsong United (Who brought us Oceans) I could not get the word ANCHOR out of my mind. In fact I almost named this blog –  littleblessedlife.com with something to do with an anchor.  It seemed so powerful with both me and my dad having served in the Navy and then with this overwhelming desire to go to the BWCAW this upcoming spring I knew that this word was going to be it for 2015. It wasn’t until I started looking for a stock photo of an anchor for this exact post that I came across Hebrews 6:19 and my jaw dropped to the floor.

Click for source

The lyrics of this song which will not get out of my head was ripped right from Hebrews 6:19. Oh how I believe in this verse with my entire being, my entire soul! When I came across this song late this fall, the lyrics immediately gave words and real structure to what I had been feeling in my heart these past few months, but could not say myself.  It felt deeply like my postlude to Oceans in a way and to my story. I had been led out into the deep waters, walked on water and am now holding so tightly to my Anchor, my God to keep me from blowing away. I find it difficult at times to explain what I am feeling inside, but this song and its lyrics do it so beautifully.

On any given day when I felt the tides rise up, ready to wash over me I listen to this song with arms stretched out and face lifted, and immediately feel the Lords presence surrounding me. Its strange in a way to me how deep my faith has grown since July. Its not as though I grew up with unbelief. From as long as I can remember I believed in the story of the cross, but some how I now just know its true. Every time I sing to God, and pray I feel my dad right next to me.

In these storms it is so easy to drift, and be consumed with the rains beating down on you –  but with the Anchor holding me in place I will not drift, I will not fall I will not be consumed with fear and despair, but consumed with faith, hope and love. Love that was nailed to the cross.

My Father has been so present in my life these past six months, its overwhelming to the point of tears when singing worship songs. I can’t imagine how my father feels being face to face with Him.  “He gave everything to save the world He loves”.

Hope. What brings joy to the heart, which brings light to the world, and the laying out of full trust in the Lord. Drink in these words with me. Let them wash over you, and I wish you each a blessed and remarkable 2015 where you grow closer to the Lord.

These words are my anthem, my battle cry.

I have this hope
As an anchor for my soul
Through every storm
I will hold to You

With endless love
All my fear is swept away
In everything
I will trust in You

There is hope in the promise of the cross
You gave everything to save the world You love
And this hope is an anchor for my soul
Our God will stand
Unshakeable

Unchanging One
You who was and is to come
Your promise sure
You will not let go

Your Name is higher
Your Name is greater
All my hope is in You

Your word unfailing
Your promise unshaken
All my hope is in You

I am such a sucker for acoustic versions of songs- so when i found this there was so much joy and elation in my heart! I hope you enjoy!

 

Lay it at His feet

Through the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, and BWCA trip planning its easy to forget why there is a giant hole in my heart. I’m learning through it all to lay it down at His feet. Everything I’ve ever tried to hold on to, and figure out on my own has been met with anxiety and worry.

Allow me to explain.

I’ve written down a few times that I’m was very nervous about my birthday that is coming up in now 14 days. A birthday that I had shared with my dad since that Monday morning that I came into the world 34 years ago at 11:13 a.m. The day that I became connected with my father, and bonded in this date forever. The last time I posted about it, I was in the depths of sorrow finally allowing myself to think about what my birthday will look like without him.

Without the joint birthday song singing, cake eating, and typical birthday fanfare we once shared.

I prayed a prayer that night asking God to take this feeling of anxiety surrounding my our my? birthday from me and woke up feeling refreshed about it. My sister had come up with an idea that was actually a deep desire that I had had that I didn’t even know she knew. Maybe she didn’t know. Maybe it was God planning out what he knew was in my heart.

We are planning to go on a Vineyard Tour of several of the Western Wisconsin/Eastern Minnesotan wineries along the St. Croix River Valley. Wine – something that I love and something my dad loved as well. We are going to bring his candle along and light it at each vineyard and raise a glass to birthdays and memories. I think I like this idea for future birthday’s as well, or at least some version of it.

God is in the business of answering prayers friends. He will never leave me or forsake me.

It wasn’t easy to get to this more restful place though. I had to lay this down at the feet of Jesus. I have to lay down a lot of things at His feet. When I tried to hold this part in, and stuff it down it became unbearable to bear. Jesus says, “Come to me, Lindsey who is weary and carries heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT and mine)

You see friends, when we lay our cares and worries at the feet of Jesus he picks up those heavy, messy and broken pieces. That angst and fear that can drown us.

Psalm 55:22 Give your burdens to the lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. // 1 Peter 5:7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. // Philippians 4:6-9 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Amen Amen Amen.

Redeeming Helper,
Thank you for your strength Lord. Thank you for letting me rest in you. Thank you for carrying and taking this burden of worry for me. Whenever I have called out to you to help me you’ve never failed me. You are always here whenever I need you. Thank you for being consistent Father and loving me always.

Amen Amen Amen.

Here’s My Heart Lord

I stated early in this process that my cousin said to me, “Lindsey… these are the times that your faith either grows unimaginably stronger, or you loose it all together”. She was so right. I suppose you could continue on in your faith as usual, but I am a person of deep feeling, and emotion. Maybe its because of that genetic makeup of my being, or because I have been inviting the Holy Spirit into my life in such a deep and powerful way, but the blinders have been lifted off my eyes.

Of course I’ve always always believed in Christ as my savior, but now its not just believing, its seeing, and feeling.

When everything else is taken away from me, I am reminded that God is more than enough, He’s all I have, He’s everything.

He’s the life link between me and my dad, who I know is standing beside him. I can’t imagine if my dad was not a follower of Christ – and I would be unsure if he is in heaven, but I know with all of my being that he is.

In all of this – my heart has been so fully surrendered to God. I trust so deep to my core that he is sovereign in all things. How couldn’t I?

One area in my life I have been shoving down more privately however is the subject of my birthday – a birthday whom I share[d] with my dad. Even when I was in the Navy I shared my birthday with our physician/LT so I’ve never really really had my birthday be my own… Anytime I allow my self to think about it too much I feel a full blown panic attack approaching. My mom, bless her, asked what I wanted for my birthday dinner and cake since it would be all up to me now…

IMG_00133 (1)

Frankly I guess I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to pick a cake by myself or a meal for dinner. Initially I think that maybe I just don’t want my birthday at all anymore, I don’t care. The thought of it is inconceivable to me… but a thought crossed my mind – that maybe picking my own cake, or my own birthday dinner feels like I’m taking advantage of the situation. My dad and I are supposed to battle it out. I don’t want swiss and cranberry pork tenderloin and he doesn’t want chipped beef… I want 7 up Bunt Cake, and he wants Keys House Cake. Of course I have the options to myself now… but I don’t want to. It feels all so wrong, and stings.

Its also a blinding reminder that it is true that my dad is gone, and maybe that’s the hardest part, or maybe a combination of the three.

Several years ago my prayer for my life were the lyrics of the song Oceans. Oh how I prayed for those lyrics to come true. God has faithfully lead me to this place of deep wonderment. Of course it was NOT the way I supposed it would happen, but nonetheless I am here trusting God without boarders.

I heard this song during worship a few weeks back and have been listening to it nearly every day since. It is my new prayer.

Father I am ready and here upon the waters as you’ve called me – the great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find You in the mystery In oceans deep My faith will stand.
And I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I AM Yours and You ARE mine.

Father I have felt your beautiful presence in my life so strongly these past four months that I see you Lord. You have shown me your mercy, and love, and holiness in a way I never would have seen otherwise. Though my feet feel like they are FAILING ME whenever I think about my birthday – the moment in time when you created me, created my father, and joined us together with You – I know that you will be with me through this. Though this marks strongly reality for me that my father is with you Father let me be in prayer that I am comforted by you and your grace once more.

I’m here Lord. I’m in the waters, and they are a scary place to be. I feel myself sinking, but then I see that you are with me. While I am here Lord – speak what you need to, and want to. The blinders are off, my ears are listening and tear filled eyes are pointed and focused towards you. Through this season I am found, I am Yours I am loved, I’m made pure. I have life, I can breathe I am healed, I am free. You are strong, You are sure, You are life, You endure. You are good, always true You are light breaking through. You are more than enough, You are here, You are love. You are hope, You are grace YOU’RE ALL I HAVE, YOU’RE EVERYTHING!

– Here’s my heart Lord – Here’s my life Lord – Speak what is true.

A is for Attitude

I was going to originally title this post A is for Anger.

Ever have one of those mornings where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? I definitely did today.

I was having an incredible dream, though at my father’s funeral I kept seeing him crystal clear… He was talking to me and I felt a sense of calm wash over me… But each time I looked deeper at him it was not my father at all, but instead was my uncle Buck or my uncle Joe… I would push through the crowd looking for my dad but I couldn’t find him….

Our eight month old dog woke me up whining uncontrollably to be let out at 5:30 this morning… I was so angry that he woke me up that it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Soon I was barking my own orders around the house to the dogs and to my daughter, and was slamming the doors and stomping around in the process.

After I dropped little Miss off at school, I experienced what seemed to be a never ending series of events that happened one after another. And incompetent cashier that declined a check that shouldn’t have been declined, a gift registry that kept flashing error and wouldn’t print and another cashier who couldn’t help me at all. I was feeling fully deflated and annoyed by the time I actually got to work.

Once I finally got to work fully annoyed at my morning I broke down after several envelopes got stuck together in the mail room. I thought to myself why is life pissing in my Cheerios? I stood there sobbing and hoping nobody would walk in on me. I pulled myself together and went back to work.

Later on I was affixing this letter “A” sticker on to something else and kept repeating to myself, “A is for anger” “A is for anger”, which was actually making me more angry and deflated. A few coworkers noticed I was quite taciturn today and asked if I was alright. I lied and said I’m fine…

But later on in the day when I was facing towards my wall coworker asked if I was okay and I silently shook my head “no”. I grabbed my purse and went to my “Secret Garden” to regroup. I cried out to the Lord, “Help me. I’m so sad today Lord. I have such a bad attitude of anger and I’m so sorry that I yelled at my daughter and my pets. I’m angry Father. I’m angry and so sad that my dad had to die so stupidly. Its STUPID God…. He wasn’t old, he wasn’t caught in the crossfires of a drunk driver, or diagnosed with cancer or heart disease…. its something that could happen to anyone, and I hate it. I feel so helpless, and so scared God that I could die any day… any moment… and oh life seems so muted. All the life has gone out of everything, and it all just looks so stupid. I haven’t given up hope Lord in life… no, but the wind has been let out of my sails…. I feel as though I have lost my navigation map and compass… where do I go from here Lord? Help me Lord. I have so much to do these next few weeks… help me. Restore my soul and lift me up Father. I need your help. Return in me a joyful and patient heart. Father I ask that nobody asks me when I go back why I left so abruptly… please let me re-enter as if nothing happened at all. Maybe nobody even noticed, but if they did Father I ask that they let it go… or wait for a better time. Please God… help me get through these next few hours, days, and weeks…. 

And He did.

God is so great in that way. Soon I felt a complete calm rush over me that is so unexplainable that my only explanation can point towards the God of all comfort. I retuned to work feeling happy and content, and ready to face whatever it threw at me. I was able to think more clearly, and was even cheery again.

This is such a hard road I am going down. I know that there are people in this world suffering far worse than I am right now, but this is my plight. It hurts and stings and on the eve of my grandfather’s (would be) 100th birthday. I cant help but think of my own birthday. I’m so scared and sad. I know it doesn’t have to be a scary or sad day…. but so far even the mention of it, or thought of it sends me into sheer anxiety.  I take a deep breath in, and push it all away.

I know I will have to confront it soon… but for now I am content… I still feel the sharp edge of sorrow waiting and the world feels completely out of balance, but my hope is in the Lord. I will lean on those who love me, and not be afraid to show emotion when the train of sadness and anxiety hits. I need people right now. Please pray for me…  I am absolutely NOT in a dark and scary place where anyone needs to feel concern… but I am absolutely sad and disappointed in how things turned out for my own selfish gain.

I know for fact that my dad is in a better place. He loved Jesus with all of his heart. I know he is absolutely in heaven rejoicing right now. I know that this time that we are separated is but a breath to him now that time doest not play a factor in his new life, but it plays such a huge factor in mine. I thought it would be YEARS upon YEARS before we would be separated…. and even that thought was unbearable…  The only thing that brings me comfort is to know that he is praising Jesus face to face and that he is experiencing a sense of joy right now that only I read about in the Bible.

I realize that this is a different kind of post tonight. More open and honest and raw than ever before. Truth be told my feet almost failed me today. I almost stood in those waters and just let the tide wash over me, and drown me. But Jesus was there the whole time, with his arm out saying, Lindsey… take my hand… take it… let me help you. This does suck…. but I am here… I am with you. I AM. I reached out to God, and am in his arms.

Love came down and rescued me today… Love came down and set me free from this anger that was siring up inside of me. I heard this song on the way home tonight, and it was so perfect, and so fitting that I just had to share it with you all.

I hope you enjoy this song as much as I did tonight.

I’m gonna sit right here

I had no idea what to write about this week until I was driving home today and heard this song on the radio – I’ve heard it many times before but hadn’t ever paid any attention to any of the lyrics until today. I’ve sang with the song even the harmony, but literally could not tell you even what the song was about… but tuning into the lyrics and listening today it was just so perfect. I listened to it at LEAST 20 times between 5pm and 10:30 p.m.

This is my favorite part of the song –

Funny how the good ones go
Too soon, but the good Lord knows
The reasons why, I guess

Sometimes the greater plan
Is kinda hard to understand
Right now it don’t make sense
I can’t make it all make sense

So I’m gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
And Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

DSC_0010

At this moment – I am sitting in it. I’m not trying to make sense of any of it, but just sitting in this thing we call life. Thinking and crying through memories that I was lucky to share with my dad. It would be just like my dad to sit and watch a sunset and enjoy a beer, or a glass of wine or a margarita… and even if there was chaos around him, he would admire that sunset because that’s what was happening at that moment.

He was so good about quiet reflection, and was always about the special moments and lived his life Carpe Diem ~ seizing the day!

He had a knack for turning ordinary moments into extraordinary moments and if you were lucky enough to be near him during these times, made you feel like you were the most special person on Earth.

I’ve been reading and marinating through Psalm 23 which was one of the readings we picked out for my dads services. I also picked up a book that really goes in and dissects Psalm 23 verse by verse, word by word so that you can really drink it in.  Currently I’m really focused in on verses 1-3.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
     He restores my soul.

I really feel as though the Lord is placing in my heart a feeling of contentment. He makes me lie down in green pastures – or sit on the edge of the pier – where I am safe from the turbulent waters. He calms the waters, and is restoring my soul. Not to say that some nights I don’t cry myself to sleep or have my moments, but overall I have a peace about me that is unexplainable. Its as if God and my dad have a hand on my shoulder… saying… we’re right here. Its okay.

For whatever reason I’ve been called to this moment. So, I’m going to walk out and sit on the edge of this pier of life and watch the oceans rise and fall, and be in this moment. Seek what it is teaching me beyond what lies on the surface, seek out the beauty of this moment…and watch the sunset disappear. ~ And have a glass of wine.

Proverbs 3:5

Since my last post I have gone out to see my dad’s grave site which now has a marker on it. It sets things in, and makes this whole ordeal real. My daughter and I laid in front of the marker, and stared up at the heavens. I asked her what she thought “Poppie” was doing at this moment, and she thought perhaps that he was watching Snow White with all the kids that were already in heaven… (a favorite past time of theirs).

“I sat at his grave and cried for my missing friend and for all the lost opportunities.
God is good and God is sovereign, but sometimes he’s so hard to understand.”
-Sam Childers ‘Another Man’s War’
Compliments of Danielle Conley

Proverbs 3:5 comes immediately to mind, when reading the quote above –  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. (NLT). Isn’t that so true. In these precious moments I have nothing BUT to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. I dare not depend on my own understanding because nothing about what happened makes sense. But I feel a sense of calm come over me anytime that I just repeat to myself that God is good… and God is sovereign. He is in control and someday I will too will understand.

I honestly try hard not to think about it too much. – the why’s and the what ifs… It hurts my head, causes me anxiety and puts in me a fearful heart. Do not confuse this with “stuffing it down” which I certainly am not…I’m being a realist. I could search this world until the end of time, and I am convinced I will never have the answer. So why dwell on it and waste emotion on unanswerable questions.

I’m currently living with forgetting. Not forgetting my dad in general of course and not flat out denial that he died, but just forgetting that he did die. Just yesterday a friend of mine wrote a post on Facebook about a housing inspection she needed to get through and I almost commented stating that I would ask my dad if he could do it… In a blink I smirked to myself forgetting for a moment that he was no longer on this side of heaven.

In his book “A Grief Observed C.S. Lewis talks about this. “Its not true that I’m always thinking of H. Work and conversation make that impossible. But the times when I’m not are perhaps my worst. For then, though I have forgotten the reason, there is spread over everything a vague sense of wrongness of something amiss. Like in those dreams where nothing terrible occurs – nothing that would sound even remarkable if you told it as breakfast-time – but the atmosphere, the taste, of the whole thing is deadly. So with this. I see the rowan berries reddening and don’t know for a moment why they, of all things, should be depressing. I hear a clock strike and some quality it always had before has gone out of the sound. What’s wrong with the world to make it so flat, shabby, worn-out looking? Then I remember.”

Each day brings me something new. Most days I have purely blissful moments, and now, more often than not I am generally happy. But I still feel this cloud looming over me, as if it is following me, raining down, getting me wet, ruining my plans, and being generally annoying.

I’m learning to dance in the rain though… and make the most of it. It’s my new normal as my cousin’s wife pointed out to me shortly after my fathers passing. She shared,

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler.

So what am I learning from dancing in the rain? I have grown so much closer to God in this place. Though I am wet, and damp, and frustrated that my plans didn’t turn out how I thought they should go there is a beauty here that I wouldn’t have known had I not been here.  I feel a sense of newness in my relationship with Christ that is stronger than ever before. I feel so deeply dependent and in love with Him, not as a crutch, but in gratitude that I don’t have to figure any of this out on my own. I don’t have to do this by myself, or try to understand it. I can cast all my cares on to God who will sustain me, and not let me be shaken. ~ Psalm 55:22. (My paraphrase from NIV)

I am learning through Philippians 4:13 (NLT). “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength”. I can get through this grief and see the sunshine of tomorrow behind the veil of the rain. I can rest assured that my father is joyfully praising our Creator face to face. I feel strengthened by Christ, and closer to him and more thankful to Him than ever before. I will pour out praise to Him over and over again because it is His breath in my lungs.

You give hope, You restore

Every heart that is broken

GREAT – ARE – YOU – LORD