Everyone asks how I am doing….
I don’t know…. how do I possibly answer a question like that? I could say, “I’m doing fine, or pretty good” but it honestly depends moment to moment. Mostly though, I would say I am okay. My life has been changed, and although time will loosen these knots inside of me… right now I realize I am changed. I’m quieter and at times prefer time to reflect. This blog is such a blessing to me. It helps me say the words I want to cry out to everyone I see… words that are stuck tight inside of my throat. Such a weird place for me, as I’m never without words, yet I find myself so taciturn.
Work is pretty busy right now, but sometimes I need a quick break away. This past week I found myself driving for a break and came across this secret garden. This beautiful place of hope that I never knew existed. Somehow my car drove me there, and this is my spot when I need to catch my breath…re-calibrate. Bumble Bees kissed the earth, and monarchs fluttered about… I spent about 20 minutes there quiet… and came back to work refreshed. This. is. my. spot.
The nights had been especially hard. My mind is as if it is on a mouse wheel, turning and turning, and thinking and thinking…. What does it feel like to choke? Was my dad terrified? Was Jesus with him in that moment saying, “My good and faithful son, I am here, take heart and take my hand?” I’m unsettled by the fragility of life. I know that there is life after this, but I find myself afraid of leaving everyone behind, and does death hurt? Is it terribly painful?
All of the distractions of this world fail me in the evening while laying in bed, and all of the memories, and questions, come flooding at me. I’m forced to stare Jesus in the face… as if he is on the other side of a tight rope, and I have to just look at him should I loose my balance and fall. I’m reminded of a time when I was in high school that I chose to stay out the entire night. My parents were particularly worried, and on this particular night rain was falling. I will never forget when my dad told me that he kneeled down in the middle of the road in the middle of the pouring rain with his arms stretched out and cried out to the Lord for my safe return. I did come home unscathed, and this imagery caries through now. When I close my eyes I feel myself in the middle of the road during my own rain storm with my arms stretched out to the lord and thankful that he has overcome, and has my father tight in His arms.
The past several nights I’ve taken extreme comfort in listening to this song; like a lullaby to my soul. In John the author says, “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NIV). It brings me such comfort and grace that I’m able to loosen the knots, and relax and drift peacefully to sleep.
Should oceans rise and mountains fall He never fails ~ So take heart, let His love lead us though the night. Hold on to hope, and take courage again.