Everyone asks how I am doing….
I don’t know…. how do I possibly answer a question like that? I could say, “I’m doing fine, or pretty good” but it honestly depends moment to moment. Mostly though, I would say I am okay. My life has been changed, and although time will loosen these knots inside of me… right now I realize I am changed. I’m quieter and at times prefer time to reflect. This blog is such a blessing to me. It helps me say the words I want to cry out to everyone I see… words that are stuck tight inside of my throat. Such a weird place for me, as I’m never without words, yet I find myself so taciturn.
Work is pretty busy right now, but sometimes I need a quick break away. This past week I found myself driving for a break and came across this secret garden. This beautiful place of hope that I never knew existed. Somehow my car drove me there, and this is my spot when I need to catch my breath…re-calibrate. Bumble Bees kissed the earth, and monarchs fluttered about… I spent about 20 minutes there quiet… and came back to work refreshed. This. is. my. spot.
The nights had been especially hard. My mind is as if it is on a mouse wheel, turning and turning, and thinking and thinking…. What does it feel like to choke? Was my dad terrified? Was Jesus with him in that moment saying, “My good and faithful son, I am here, take heart and take my hand?” I’m unsettled by the fragility of life. I know that there is life after this, but I find myself afraid of leaving everyone behind, and does death hurt? Is it terribly painful?
All of the distractions of this world fail me in the evening while laying in bed, and all of the memories, and questions, come flooding at me. I’m forced to stare Jesus in the face… as if he is on the other side of a tight rope, and I have to just look at him should I loose my balance and fall. I’m reminded of a time when I was in high school that I chose to stay out the entire night. My parents were particularly worried, and on this particular night rain was falling. I will never forget when my dad told me that he kneeled down in the middle of the road in the middle of the pouring rain with his arms stretched out and cried out to the Lord for my safe return. I did come home unscathed, and this imagery caries through now. When I close my eyes I feel myself in the middle of the road during my own rain storm with my arms stretched out to the lord and thankful that he has overcome, and has my father tight in His arms.
The past several nights I’ve taken extreme comfort in listening to this song; like a lullaby to my soul. In John the author says, “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NIV). It brings me such comfort and grace that I’m able to loosen the knots, and relax and drift peacefully to sleep.
Should oceans rise and mountains fall He never fails ~ So take heart, let His love lead us though the night. Hold on to hope, and take courage again.
Little Blessed Life 
Dear Lindsey,
I have been keeping up with your blog and wanted you to know Phil and I have been praying everyday. Not only for all of you,
but with intercession with your dad for his family and friends. As you know, we met yourmom and dad at St Mary’s “many” years ago when we were all young and just starting to raise our families. We enjoyed many Sunday’s, and church events with your parents and our families. I know you dad’s faith was strong and didn’t need many words. But those of us who had the privilege of knowing him
knew that Rich was a man of strong faith and moral integrity. He knew who enriched his source of joy, wealth and family –His Lord
and Savior.
In reading your thoughts and feelings, I want to assure you that while I don’t know exactly how your dad and Our Lord
were interacting in those last moments of his life, I do know they WERE interacting. God has promised us that He will never leave us, so at a time when your dad most needed him you can be assured not only Our Lord, but saints, Our Blessed Mother and all those who have gone before us were there reaching out to him in love to calm his fears. As Pope John Paul stated “Be not afraid, I am with you,
says the Lord!”
I know he is so proud of you and how you are searching deep within to find peace, and understanding through your faith.
You never know how you may be changing lives by your own thoughts and sharing for the better. That is so your dad. Always,
wanting to share a story, a joke, or ask a friend how they are doing to better their day. You are truly his daughter.
With love and prayers, Kathy Gatto
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Dear Lindsey. May God continue to bless you on your journey.
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Dearest Linds,
Our Loving Father is listening. He hears your heart cry in pain. He holds you gently everyday. And your Dad is loving you more every day. Hugs and so much love to you … Mari
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