Marketfest and other fun….

What a super fun Thursday Kirra and I had. Jason was working late,so I met up with Betsy and her aunt Sarah, and all the kids at Marketfest tonight. Its basically a super super mini state fair with lots of food vendors, jewelry, arts and crafts and more. Kirra and I had Carbonies pizza for dinner, and then later had mini donuts. We can’t forget those!! Ended up running into some people I knew so we of course stopped and said hello.I even got a purse, well because Lillian’s was open, and it was on sale! I can’t seem to ever pass up a cute purse on sale!!!

Then it was “time for go” as Kirra calls it. The minute I got us all packed in the SUV my mom called and wanted to know if I was at Marketfest. They were there too. Gosh darnit. If i hadn’t walked around for nearly 2 hours prior to her calling I definitely would have re-parked and got out, but I was pooped, and its not that big…
I wanted to check out this new beach that my friend told me about at Chain of Lakes regional park, so [since i have a park pass] we stopped in there to have a “look-see” on our way home. They had a huge park attached, so Kirra made a B-Line for that. I was about to let her go on it, but since its a beach park the slide was soaking wet…. so she wasn’t too happy that I wouldn’t let her play on the slide.
I pushed her in the swing for a while, and then we just chased each other all over the large grass field. We were definitely having a fun mother-daughter moment. It was again “time for go” because Kirra kept eye-balling the water tables they had and the water, and she was in a semi-nice outfit… so we packed up begrudgingly and came back home. 🙂
Tomorrow night is Relay for Life. I think I myself raised over $200 so I’m pretty pleased with that… I’m working until noon, and then coming home to meet Pam at my house, and get head out (again) to White Bear Lake to walk the track all night. I’ll post some pictures over the weekend!

Feeling sorry for myself….

Pause the blog radio on the lower right hand side… you will need to scroll down past the pictures….

I try so hard every day not to think about Gran, because the second I do, I just burst into tears. Its not like I lost an immediate family member… or did I? I was pretty close to my grandma, and adored her. Over the past two years especially after grandpa died I tried to call her on the phone at least every other week to chat, and keep her company. Although she didn’t let on to too many people she ached for company, and was very lonely at home alone. She was always making sure she wasn’t keeping me on the phone too long, but I knew that she didn’t want to let me go… so I made sure I talked (well mostly listened) to her for an hour or more each time. I know if I were in her shoes i’d like to talk to someone!
I miss her terribly, and i just want her back. I even have my church now sending me books on grieving because its so hard to let go. I’m trying to be honest about my feelings. If someone asks how I’m doing with it, I try to be honest, because I do want comfort… my mom and uncles are cleaning out their house, and they’re going to sell it. I have so many memories in that house and its simply not fair. I get that she/they’re in a better place, and I agree with it, but it doesn’t change how I feel now. I feel empty… like i’m missing part of me. I desperately want to talk to them – her again… hug them, and feel their soft wrinkly skin..
Here is kind of a song how I feel… again pause the music player on my blog or it will play over the top of it…

Clean-Up on Aisle 3

What a fun weekend we’ve had so far. I had Friday off since we put on the half marathon over the 4th of July, so I went golfing with my parents, and my brother-in-law Brian. We did a par 3 course of 9 holes, and I ended up with a 63. Pretty good hu? That’s only 36 over par!!! I’m so good that I get to go on the PGA tour this next year….I still had fun, and Brian gave me some pointers… so I will have to get out again sometime soon so that I can get better and practice what he taught.

Friday night we celebrated Brian’s 40th birthday, with a surprise party for him! It was tons of fun! Missy ordered these HUGE kabobs,which were out of this world!!! The kids got hot dogs, which Kirra didn’t want to eat… so I asked her what she DID want to eat, and she said deer….so I cut up the hot dog and told her it was deer, and she ate it all up! So she got some nummy cake from Grandma’s Bakery!
Today, Jason and I cleaned our garage out, and I’m happy to say that for the first time… since we’ve started dating…. we’ve parked one of our cars in a garage. I’m so happy!!! I was mostly just nervous to get any hail damage on my car from all of these recent storms we’ve been having, plus i really wanted to be able to park in the garage this winter so I don’t have to dust off my car. I’m also really excited about if/when it rains out, I won’t even care now, or have to delay my ‘fun’ because i don’t want to get wet!! Ah the little things in life.
After our garage cleaning expedition, we went to Bunker Beach water park. It was lots of fun. We went there with my whole family too! Kirra loved the smaller pool that was her size, and the lazy river…. and the wave pool…. that is… until I went out too deep with her and got knocked over by a wave. She still came up smiling, (even tho i nearly had a heart attack), but she had swallowed too much water, so we went back to the zero entry pool! (which she was devastated about when we had to leave). I got on every water slide, and went in every pool. It was definitely fun.
After Bunker Beach we had to run to Menards to get a garage door opener, because Yee Haw, I can park in the garage… well because I’m stupid, I just left Kirra in her swim suit, and put a cover up on her, with her cloth swim diaper… well she was walking on the shelving that is low to the ground, when all the sudden water started gushing between her legs…then Jason was like OMG, she’s peeing… so I tried to pick her up, but then she was peeing on me… so I set her back down, and i thought she was done, but no… more pee…. i looked in my purse for something to wipe it up, but i had nothing… it was so embarrassing… we just left as fast as we could…. (I know we’re horrible) Got to my car and immediately put a diaper on her!

Cupcake and Memories…..

Tonight after I laid Kirra down to sleep… I went out on the patio with my bottle of cupcake wine. I was sitting on the patio looking at a brightly light moon, and then saw the purple flowers…Gran’s favorite color, and then I just lost it. I called my mom,and we cried together. I told her I understood that it was her time and that she is perfectly at peace in heaven. I know this… but I want her back…. I want THEM back… both of my grandparents…. all of my grandparents… This is strangely difficult. Am I over reacting? This loss i feel is too real to be over-reacting… Was it because I was close to her? Because she was my last living grandparent? Or because she was a true kindred spirit…. no…. she was everything and more. I miss you so much Gran. I just want you back…. I just want you back!

Going Rogue

Going Rogue isn’t only the name of Sarah Palin’s new book, its also what we’ve been up to this past weekend!

When Jason got home from work on Friday night he brought me to Menards to show me what he has been doing there, and how much he has to pour, which is quite a bit!!! After that we went over to Chipotle and got a bite to eat, and back home. We went to bed rather early which was fine with me. Jason began work at 2am, and I was still getting over being sick.
Saturday we woke up early and brought Kirra to Jason’s parents. Then we were off to look at cars. We were going to go down to Burnsville to look at the Calibers, but Jason wanted to look around the White Bear/Maplewood area first…
First we went to White Bear Dodge, and they didn’t have prices on anything, and then I wanted to go down to Kline Nissan, because Amillie mentioned there was an Altima in our price range… Well Amillie and her co-worker greeted us, and they asked what we were looking at. I told them I loved the Rouges, but didn’t know if we could afford THAT… but since Jason does all our finances he knows where we’re at…. and it turns out we COULD afford THAT!!!! So I went on a test drive, and found out I absolutely LOVE LOVE how the Nissan Rouge drives. Its amazing.
So we spent most of the day at the dealership, afraid our new car/suv/truck? was going to get hit with hail, but it made it! We drove away in our new car. Bon Voyage Sebring… Jason then surprised me with dinner at Flame in Roseville. We even ran into Rick and Rose, my aunt and uncle! I got Steak Skewers and he got the Lamb. We then shared a slice of cheesecake! NUM!
Finally I had no idea where we were going, and then all the sudden he pulls into the Courtyard, and treated me to a spa king suite for the night, so that was pretty romantic, especially since it was our Anniversary weekend!
Went and picked Kirra up today, did laundry, took pictures, and went to church, of course all while enjoying my new car that doesn’t get too hot/actually runs normal/and doesn’t flood when i turn on the air conditioning. Brilliant!!!
Kirra is watching Elmo with Daddy right now getting some Kirra/Daddy time! 🙂 Life is good!
Leather interior and heated seats rock!
Still have my license plates, and URWILD looks so much
better on a crossover don’t you think?
And I really AM bringing sexy back 🙂

Proverbs 31

Here is the Old Testament reading they did at Gran’s funeral. It was so fitting to her, I am still blown away by it.

Its Proverbs 31:10-31

Hymn to a Good Wife

10-31 A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She’s quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
“Many women have done wonderful things,
but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!

4 years later…..

Sorry I haven’t posted much this week. Gran went home to our Lord on Monday July 12th, so it has been an absolute whirlwind of a week!

Here is how the week went down:
Monday: My brother called me at work, Gran had only minutes left, so I left work to be with mom at the hospital. Went back to work/had a PT job meeting later that evening, and then went to my sisters house for a bit. I nearly finished my picture movie on Monday, but became quite sad when looking thru Grandma’s very very old photos from the 1940s. It gave us a peak into their life (my grandparents) and allI wanted to do was call them and tell them how awesomely in love I think they were! And how beautiful a couple they were! I cried myself to sleep.
Tuesday: Realized everyone has mostly died in the fall or winter, so i needed a shortsleeved black top and new necklace. Started to feel woozy in Kohls, and by 8pm I was down for the count with a high fever of 102.9. Finished the movie and went to bed by 9pm.
Wednesday: Woke up with an agonizing headache, and after I struggled nauseatingly out of bed I took my temperature… 103.1….. I thought how in the HECK am I going to make it to this wake tonight? I can’t miss Gran’s wake! I can’t!!! So I called in sick for the whole day, and brought Kirra to daycare and then I went back home,and slept until 2:00pm. Took lots of medicine and some how managed to pull it off to get there. I didnt feel too awesome while there,but I made it.
Woke up again this morning feeling like total crap. Took my temperature… 101.5. Grrr. Threw down some motrin in the hatch, and was highly nauseated. Am I pregnant? No… took a test to make sure! Dropped Kirra off at daycare, and got over to the east side way too early. Sat on Grandma & Grandpa’s front step for a long time, crying to myself about how much I miss them. I saw uncle Timmy come too, so I quick got into the house… walked all around, and then went up stairs, made gran’s bed, and crawled on top of the blankets, laid down and wept. I didn’t want to leave… all of the memories…. THIS worldly thing I had left of THEM. It broke my heart when I had to lock the door to go to the funeral a few blocks away. I can still smell their house this very moment. I will cherish their housesmell.
Was quite woozy thru-out the service, but it was a very touching celebration of her life. The priest did an amazing job on the homily/eulogy. The readings, especially Proverbs 31, was just so absolutely perfect, and True for Gran! We went out to Fort Snelling to burry her there, and got to see where Grandpa was buried.
Went to the funeral luncheon, but wasn’t too hungry… went home, picked up Kirra and napped, and drugged again… woke up with my temp down to 99.5. Looked up signs and symptoms and was like, oh I must just be dehydrated….and then went back to my parents for an after funeral get together. I felt a bit better,and on my way home this evening, i felt my lymph nodes in my neck, which are swollen… and I thought… hmmmm… opened my mouth and looked down my throat, and sure enough I have white postules…. then I realized , my throat is killing me!I thought that was just the choked up feeling you get when you’ve been crying so much! Nope. I have strep throat. This definitely explains why i’ve been so sick,and nausea is one of the top symptoms…. Oh YAY! What a wonderful end to my day!
And to top it all off……its my 4 year wedding anniversary!
In all honesty, i’m so blessed to have such an amazing husband who loves me and Kirra dearly. I hope we can be married 65 years like my grandparents were!

Made it thru

So far i’ve managed to visit Gran every day since Thursday. Each day is dramatically different. Thursday she was sitting up in bed eating dinner… and then went to bed, shortly after that…. Friday she was completely out the whole time, so we thought that was it…. last night she would wake up and try to talk, so she’s still hanging on, but we still think the end is near. 😦

Kirra has been an absolute joy to me. Last night on our way home she was singing something in the background, so I turned the radio on and here she is singing Twinkle, Twinkle little Star in a two year old version of course, but still! I was floored. I never taught her that. So we sang it together the whole way home!
I got a new pool last night. Kirra is scared to swim in the big pool and I am having the darndest time keeping it the right color! It was semi-swimable earlier this week, but now it’s pea green… or worse. It looks like purreed green beans, with lots of water added in. Super gross. I’m going to just empty it and take it down. Our new “kiddie pool” is sort of big enough for me (at least) to put a pool mattress in it and get a suntan. No more big pool for me. I’m obviously not qualified to have one…
If I’m talking a lot and I tell Kirra something she doesn’t want to here she points at me, and says “No-No Mama”. Its sassy, but rather cute. Today at breakfast she told me to “shhhhhhhh” and then whispered, “that’s better mama”.
Jason is still putting in a lot of hours at work, so I don’t see him too often, but he has been supportive as well with this whole ordeal with Gran.
This song has been a great comfort to me.
(You need to pause the player on the top right of blog)

Time again… for goodbyes…

I write this with a heavy heart.

Talked to my mom just a bit ago, and the time is coming upon us quickly to say goodbye to a woman that defines this family of the Raykowski’s.

The doctor called my mom early to let her know that the CT scan showed a large mass on Gran’s Thyroid…. cancer…. of course….. She has been sleeping most of the afternoon, and only awakes if shaken hard. The priest came and performed last rites and Gran was barely awake. Her breathing has slowed….

94 years she’s blessed us with her life and her joy… her kindness ,and her motherly love that only she could share. When someone has lived this long you expect one day to say goodbye…I still wrestle with this and think its still too soon.

If anything changes in her status in this life I will let you know, and when she is soon greeted by her Father in heaven, and once again see’s her siblings, her children,and her husband once more… i will share the passing from one lifetime to the next.

Car searching sucks, and so does getting old!

Searching for cars SUCKS! My sebring is on its way out the door, and let me tell you! I thought finding a new car would be fun and easy, but its nothing but a chore! The ones I like are either out in Burnsville, or Waconia… I mean….where the heck is Waconia? I really would like to get a white Dodge Caliber, unless its loaded with everything I want. (Like the one in Waconia is…)

Next weekend Jason and I are going to go out and look, and hopefully buy one!
Went and visted Gran in the hospital today. She looks like she dropped about 10 pounds or so, and is having a hard time breathing .She just wanted to sleep when I was there so our visit was rather short. What I wanted to do was climb into bed with her and give her a big hug, and hold her and let her know I was there…. but she had too many visitors at the time.
Kirra was a real trooper! I brought Kirra with since Jason’s working. On our way out to visit Gran I stopped by Babies R Us and got Kirra a portable potty seat. Almost right when we got to Gran’s room Kirra had to go potty, and she did! This thing ROCKS!
Because we were at the hospital right after I got off work we didn’t get to eat dinner until much later… like nearly 8pm later! We stopped at McDonalds which we rarely do and got hamburgers and chocolate shakes. Kirra even got her very own chocolate shake which she thought was pretty darn cool!
Sat out on my patio with a bottle of Riesling. Janis my neighbor was nice enough to stop by for a drink and a chat. I really love them like a second set of parents!

I’m really really praying that the doc’s will spring Gran and that she can go and live with my mom and dad, so I can visit her as much as possible! I feel sooo guilty for not visiting her more. I keep saying i’m not ready for her to go, but I think that’s because I don’t feel like i’ve spent as much time with her as I could have been. I had all of these reasons, some valid, and some plain silly,but now all I keep thinking is that I just need more time….