I understand if you don’t want to read this post. It’s hard to read… and its hard to write.

Thinks went ok. I guess according to plan. Friday night we went to Cub and got two huge steaks to give to Tyler as a sort of “last meal”. He absolutely loved it, and was the most he’s eaten in quite a while. We’re actually hopping Sadie starts to lose some weight now, because she is only supposed to have 1 cup total per day, and Tyler was getting 2.5 cups, and Sadie was eating a whole lot of his since he wasn’t eating.

Anyways – Saturday morning I woke up “early” probably a quarter to 8 or so – just knowing what lay ahead of us for the day. We spent some time loving on Tyler and getting some last pictures/videos of him before we took off for the vet.

We couldn’t have asked for a better Vet to go to. We didn’t even have to wait at all in the waiting room, and we arrived at about 10am for our 10:15 appointment, so that was super nice. I think it would have been much more difficult if we would have had to wait in public. “Oh what are you guys here for? I hope your dog feels better soon!”….  I wore my sunglasses much of the first half of the appointment… so nobody could see the hurt in my eyes, including Tyler. I felt safe behind them.

They had a nice blanket laying down on the floor, and the CVT took some photos of K, Jason, Tyler and I. We then took off his collar and gave his neck a good last scratch. Then the CVT gave him a sedative, which did not put him to the unconscious state that he was supposed to be in. We “joked” that Tyler didn’t want to leave us… so they gave him another whole dose of sedative, and out he went snoring loudly, and not responding to any pain at all.

The very nice Vet came in and went through some stuff, of course the standard, “I’m sorry for your loss”… and also commended our bravery for ending Tyler’s pain that morning.  She checked Tyler out and said that he will have absolutely no part in the final injection, and that he’s already at peace. And then with Jason and I holding Tyler’s paws and petting his head she started looking for a good vein. They did a 10x anesthesia dose, and were able to get a vein after shaving 2 or 3 of his paws. They [books/online] say it takes 30 seconds to a minute, but he was gone in about 5 seconds flat.

The Vet listened to his heart  as he had some twitching, and his brain telling him to start breathing very hard, but all the while in a very calm and soothing voice Dr. Gail just kept telling us that it was the last bits of positive energy leaving his body. The whole ordeal was incredibly sad and probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done before.  Dr. Gail all the while listening with her stethoscope said she couldn’t hear any heart beat, that he was gone… and that it was just normal bodily functions, and the last bits of energy…  That part was really helpful.

They took a clay paw print and then helped to load him into my car and wrapped him in a blanket. It took putting him in the wheelbarrow to bring him to the back….which seemed sad but we wheeled it back and laid him to rest. I helped toss some dirt on him, and Jason built a cross to put at the head. K wrote the name “Tyler” on the cross, and Jason soldered it in, and we slung his collar on the top of the cross.

There is definitely a presence missing. I feel the lack of him in the house. Even though we still have 4 pets, he was such a large presence (literally) that it just seems so empty.

As time goes on – the pain will ease up. I try not to think too deeply about it though. Eli is already eating out of Tyler’s dog dish which made me cry at first, but Eli is trying his darndest to fill his older brothers shoes…

Tyler’s time is near. Three days. Maybe two. Probably three. (Saturday)…. Playing God – or what I feel like what I’m doing doesn’t feel right, yet it feels so right. 

I can see that Life is still deep in this big boys eyes… begging to be let free… 

Tyler

I’m begging, and pleading to God to show me, tell me that we’re doing the right thing, and that we’re not killing our best friend.

He spends all but moments mostly laying around – not doing anything but keeping as still as possible to let the pain go free.

He gets up to go outside – to be respectful of the house, but that 30 foot walk is like a marathon despite the mass amount of pain meds we’re giving him.

I’m mad and bitter and angry towards you Cancer. 

Growing up I’ve never had a dog, and have actually been scared of [most] them most of my life. Until we got you Tyler. 

And of all the dogs we could get we get a supposed QUOTE “aggressive” breed dog, which you certainly are not.

I have met a kind of love that is second only to the love my child brings me. 

Tyler – I do not want to let you go. But is this [keeping you here] for my benefit or yours? Whats the right call?

Please don’t think I don’t love you. I love you so so so much.

I’m going to miss waking up next to you in my bed… thinking that you are Jason… with my arm and leg draped over you…. You sneaky Tyler – even laying on Jason’s pillow trying to blend in!

I’m going to miss you waking me up in the middle of the night and barking for no fucking reason at all.

I will miss the time you ate my cell phone…. and the fact I only have 4 out of my 35 pairs of shoes left…..

I’m going to miss finding your hair in my lunch box at work, and hair all over my clothes…. It annoys me now, but i’m going to miss it.

I’m going to miss your amazing tolerance and love for chocolate! (yes he’s had over a whole pound of chocolate and not even gotten sick)

But most of all I’m going to miss how safe you’ve made me feel, for laying next to K’s crib after she was born…

and for the unconditional love you’ve given me and the love for dogs I now have.

I love you Tyler… Soon you will run free…..

Hi,

I’m Eli. I grew up just a stones throw north of here with the nicest mum and pop!

They are purebred Cane Corso’s – the Italian Mastiff! My new mom and dad (Lindsey & Jason) came to pick me up today.

I’m already big and stocky. At 7 weeks old I’m already about 15 pounds!

The car ride home was ok, but I was kind of scared, so I sat on my new dad’s lap the whole way home!

Once we got home I met Tyler & Sadie, and sniffed around the yard. Several neighbors knew I was coming so they come over and I got to meet several people today already!

Time for a snooze! I’m so wrinkly when I sleep!

After my short nap I went over to the neighbors house to watch their little 2 1/2 year old play basket ball. I pounced after it, but I’m still so new I fall a lot.

So my new mom and I went to the other neighbors where I fell asleep in her lap for about 15 minutes. She didn’t want to let me go and I was very very comfortable.

Finally it was time to go back to my new home and my new mom put me in “jail” for the night. I do not like it here. My old mum and litter mates are not here, and I am scared.

My new sister Sadie came to visit me though so I calmed down for a bit and we snuggled at the gate.

She wanted to tell me she’s been there before and it gets better!

Off to my first night here. I’m thinking my new family isn’t going to get much sleep!

Unexpected news.

I’m so sorry, but all of this area on the x-ray… its bone cancer.

In three words my heart-was-broken.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tyler our 8 year old Rottweiler who has been such an amazing companion, and protector of our family since 2005 began limping around last Saturday (May11). I didn’t think a lot of it, after all, he’s 8 years old, and our younger dog Sadie (a 1.5 year old JRT) was just limping the week before, which resolved with no problems.

So I waited for a few days to see if it would get better, but last night, (Thursday) he was waking up whimpering, so I knew something more serious was up. I instantly brought up WebMD and sites like it on my Nook in bed and was up until almost 1:00 a.m. trying to self diagnose my dog. I spent almost 5 years in the medical field, and have now spent over 8 years out of the medical field, so you can imagine, i’m much like a lay person now-a-days. I tell you….these sites perpetuate hypochondria I tell you, but I couldn’t help myself.

I decided first thing in the morning I would call the vet and get him in and get him seen. I had settled based on my “vast veterinary knowledge and experience” that he had somehow dislocated his shoulder, even though I’m not sure where he would have experienced that kind of trauma or rough housing. This was a “wake up one saturday and limp” kind of deal.

So I digress….

We were able to make a 4pm visit at our old veterinary clinic 20 miles away in our hometown! Tyler had gone there before when we first had gotten him, and they are an extremely friendly mom and pop kind of shop.

Jason was off working so I had to get him in the vehicle myself which was a real treat. First I propped his front legs up in the back/trunk of my SUV, and then with all my might, grabbed his rear/waist and hoisted him in! I was rather proud of myself and my efforts!

Once we arrived, the vet actually came right to the car in the rain and performed the first part of the exam right in the trunk! (Talk about customer service!). Still all the while i’m telling the vet, “So do you feel that on the medial section of his scapula and humerus?” (???) …and all the while he’s being so nice and agreeing with me, except i’m pretty sure I’m making stuff up, and he doesn’t want me to feel bad.

He agrees right away that Tyler needs x-rays. I asked him if he had any thoughts and he said he wanted to get some x-rays before he was certain.

So K and I waited in the waiting room, and we could hear Tyler crying in the background from straightening his leg, or getting it into position I can imagine. It was actually pitifully sad. K found a kids book about your dog going to heaven which I didn’t want to read to her because our dog wasn’t dying he had a dislocated shoulder! Because remember I am now a self proclaimed “home vet” thanks to WebMD or WebVet University! I read the book anyways all the while thinking it was going to cause needless angst, but it was a very very nice book about what dog heaven is like.

Well the Vet called us into the room, and showed us the x-ray. “Right here you can see healthy bone”, and I was sure he was about to point out his arthritis which I already knew about, but instead he says, “see where the bone looks all fuzzy?” (which was on both sides of the upper humerus (legitimately)), and then he looks me square in the eyes. That is all bone cancer…..

What?

He said, I’m so sorry, but that is all bone cancer. I could feel it outside in the car, but I wanted to be certain before I said anything to you….

It comes on extremely fast, and its extremely aggressive. After talking a bit more I asked him the obvious, “How long?”. He said months.

So I said, “Like you’re saying, in less than six months?”

-and he said… “more like 2, or maybe even 1…. he’s going to continue to have pain, and his bone might even break entirely…its metastatic in nature, meaning it will spread to his lungs etc… its extremely painful, and unfortunately there is nothing we can do, i’m just so sorry…”.

Tears

and more tears

I knew the end would be near. Rotties only have a life expectancy of 8-10 years, and 12 if you’re lucky… but I didn’t think it’d be so soon. He mentioned his Rottweiler died of the same thing not too long ago…..

Right now I’m not ok, and I won’t be ok until he’s resting, and even then I’m in the midst of loosing a family member. Those that have pets really really get it, and those that don’t even agree that its hard.

I haven’t lost a pet since I was 15 years old when my families cat died, and Tyler is my first dog. My protector.

My best friend.

So we’re keeping him comfortable until that fateful day, or that day that things get too bad….. I’m going to hug him, and love him… and miss him like hell along the way. I feel already like a part of my heart died and he’s still here.

After I told Jason the unbelievably sad news that our first “child” was going to die in a month or two I called K’s godparents (because I knew they’d be home, and they’ve been through it before), and just bawled my eyes out to them. They instantly came over to hang out with us and help me get Tyler out of my SUV.

I’m hoping an Angel comes tonight. Until then, i’m going to curl up on the floor next to Tyler, while I still can…