Category Archives: Faith

Eucharisteo for the crows.

Today I am thankful for the crows.

Is anyone ever thankful for the crows? They are seen by so many as a menace, a disease, a disturbance.

I had let my little flock of four chickens outside a few weeks ago to free range in the backyard while I was working remotely from home. Two ISA Browns named Babs and Beatrice- and two Black Australops named Lexie & Nathalie. They were so happy to be out in the yard turning it up, dust bathing, foraging for food, and doing what chickens do.

  – and I hear this constant cawing. 

and I look out my window to see Nathalie under the covered porch in the back frozen. I open the door and expect her to run – but she doesn’t and I hear the constant non-stop cawing of the crows.

I look around the yard and do not see Babs or Beatrice, or little Lexie.

Coming around the corner I see the ISA Browns, and they are unusually frozen and pinned against the wall and Lexie is no where to be found.

I run to the coop amongst the cawing, and she  is not there. I look up in the tree and my heart sinks.

Among the crows is a huge bald eagle – perched low. Searching. Stalking. Hunting.

My heart sinks, and I realize now that sweet little Lexie – is possibly dead or harmed on the other side of the fence below the eagle.

I go to unlatch the gate to go to her, but just then the eagle takes flight , and the crows chase it out of the yard, out of the neighborhood and out of site. I go to run to the gate to see if Lexie is over there, and in a flash Lexie comes from where she was hiding and they all run to the safety of the coop.

Photo Cortosey of Ingrid Taylor

Photo Cortosey of Ingrid Taylor (click for source)

Today I am thankful for the crows. An unlikely hero and savior.

Are we so unlike the crows? Is there someone in your life that you’ve viewed as a crow? Someone you think is unworthy of your kindness- your love – your attention? Maybe its the person that cuts you off in traffic – the oddball at the concert, or maybe a family member? Have you been viewed as a crow? With great caution I ask – didn’t the Pharisees view  our Savior like the crow?

Today is Holy Thursday – – Maundry Thursday – –  Great Thursday. Jesus commands two things of us tonight.

Of course the most famous:
Jesus says to his disciples in Matthew 26:26-28
“During the meal, Jesus took and blessed the bread, broke it, and gave it to his disciples: Take, eat.This is my body.Taking the cup and thanking God, he gave it to them: Drink this, all of you. This is my blood, God’s new covenant poured out for many people for the forgiveness of sins.

And secondly, which ties into my story – is the command that He gives us in John 13:34-35 “A new command I give you: Love one another. as I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Even the crows.

Even the crows?

So we find excuses. But THEY aren’t christians, THEY smoke, THEY drink, THEY sleep around, THEY spend too much money, THEY have a different orientation, THEY don’t keep house, THEY gamble, THEY swear, THEY are republican, THEY are democrats, THEY eat meat, THEY don’t…. THEY, THEY, THEY when we should be on our knees saying, ME ME ME. FORGIVE ME.

If I’m real honest this evening – I view far too many people as crows. Everyone, everywhere should be viewed as a valued person that God loves, and not labeled as THEY people – or crows. We are all on equal playing ground. As I saw so clearly. The crow is just like you and ME. Jesus LOVES the crows. The broken – real people that we are. May God put more crows in my path to love – and may I extend [more] love to the ones that are already there – because if I am bitter honest… I’m no better… I’m a crow too.

Jesus came for all of us crows on a rescue mission so that we could all enjoy eternal life – and love one another as He has loved us.

❤ Linds

 

Lessons from a Girl Scout Cookie Mom

Several months ago I started reading a fantastic book by Lysa Terkurst called The Best Yes. The only problem is that although it is amazingly good – I got onto reading several other books instead. The problem is that I really should have kept reading this book – The Best Yes! In this book – The Best Yes, Lysa urges us in the days of multi-tasking, and plate filling (the busy kind not the food kind) that sometimes we need to set boundaries so that we can say Yes to the things that really matter. The things that are most important to us, because surely we cannot say yes to everything right?

I am a boundary breaker [to myself]. I never know when to say no. If you guilt me into something – there is a 99% chance that I will say yes. It’s just my personality. Maybe blame it on serving in the Navy with the Seabees… but if I see a need, and nobody else will step up to the plate – you can bet your house that I will grab a bat and start swinging for the team.

So this brings me to my post topic.

Several months ago – my daughter joined Girl Scouts. Our troop needed what is called, “a Cookie Mom”. A mom that is basically superhumanly organized, can order cookies for her troop, and keep a running inventory of everyone’s cookies and track progress etc while staying in excellent contact with the moms in your troop. So when our troop leader reached out to our troop to see who would be willing to be Cookie mom – we all heard crickets. I was busy – and just coming off a mental and emotional roller coaster – and I thought – I need a break. I cannot say yes… but then when they reached out again and we continued to hear crickets, I went online – read the Cookie Manager handbook and picked up the bat, and stepped up to the plate to swing for the team.

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I should have known better the instant I said yes. It’s not like they post the ACTUAL job description on the website – or anywhere public – because who would actually say yes to the real job description?

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I gathered the other moms around to place the initial order for our girls – and ever since I picked up our first batch of cookies I’ve felt like a bonafide drug dealer. I mean- the whole operation is actually so organized – that it probably rivals an actual Columbian Cocaine operation.

I pulled up in my vehicle – all hush hush. I pulled up and asked if I was “Lindsey” and I said yes, and before I knew it they were schlepping cases and cases of cookies into my car. I couldn’t believe they had the right Lindsey, because they barely got any other information out of me – but in the end, I had the right amount of cookies in my car. (read – $2500 dollars worth of fricken cookies) When I “checked out” with the lady at the end she gave me a sly smile – I couldn’t tell if she was silently saying “good luck” – or “haha sucker”!

I am very organized, which has been a blessing because the the system that our beloved Girl Scouts uses – eBudde is not the most user-friendly thing on the planet (IMHO). If only I could count the hours that I have spent to uncluster the F*** that is eBudde I might be up for a volunteer hours award or something. Too bad I wasn’t getting paid – because I’d be a millionaire by now.

I don’t know how it happens, lets blame it on lack of sleep but inevitably numbers are skewed, and do not match up to inventory, and I am so paranoid that I am going to mess something up and we will owe hundreds, or  thousands of dollars from our troop  that I have to spend hours and hours and hours allocating cookies, or reevaluating cookie counts, and making sure I hit SAVE (which is not where you think it would be) – which I think is the real problem. Lets not even mention the fact that the business practices we use are horribly outdated and inefficient. I have always considered myself to be a supremely organized person, but you absolutely have to bring your “A” game – no B Squad organization skills in this game.

Then there is the constant cookie eating, I mean – seriously – I got a stand-up desk at work to combat the cookie season. Forget the “Holiday Fifteen” – I’m terrified I’m going to gain 20lbs because I eat sleeves of Thin Mints in 5 minutes! – I somehow justify it however by telling myself I’m earning my daughter a cheap prize that was made in China, and helping her to go to summer camp. “Kid – we’re walking 15 miles at summer camp!” ” Why mom?” “Because your camp cost me 15 miles of hiking – that’s why…”

Emails! Emails, phone calls, sketchy text messages, money, money, money and constant communication. Nobody tells you that you will become a drug dealer that annoying telemarketer/ wall street banker trying to stay in constant contact with other moms to ensure that they have enough cookies- and find out how many cookies they’re sitting on, and how much money they’ve brought in. “Are you moving your cookies, because if you’re not, so-and-so can move them for you. – How much money do you currently have? Can you bring it over tonight at 8pm?”,  and then I get frantic texts and e-mails from troop moms… “Help! My husband’s co-workers are Samoas addicts – we need three cases immediately!”  Drug dealers I tell you. Drug dealers!  I feel like I’m moving product and the drug is pure delicious sugar.

We still have a solid three weeks of cookie selling left and I don’t know how I’m going to make it. I look forward to freedom like a teacher feels at the end of the school year, or a prisoner of war looking to go home.  For the love of Christ – if you have any kitchen cupboard room  – buy some more girl scout cookies. If a girl scout stops by your house  – and you’ve already purchased from Cub Foods or Walmart  – help a cookie mom out and buy another box. They freeze well. And if you absolutely cannot eat anymore – then offer to contribute cash – so that they can donate to the Cookies for the Community. Our troop is donating cookie boxes to the Coon Rapids Middle School Food Shelf where 50% of kids draw from it each week.

So… lessons learned and tips to share.

1.) If you have a young daughter and someone asks you to be a cookie mom… run…. far-far away!
2.) Cookie season is done in three weeks. Come May you’re going to regret that you didn’t buy from that cute girl scout who stopped by your door in March to purchase a case of thin mints to last you all summer.
3.) I have literally had a scenario where I have needed to jump in the shower – but didn’t know when certain moms were going to swing by… I was terrified they were going to ring the doorbell and I would be half naked while trying to manage cookie sales and personal hygiene.
3.) Have fun. Though I’m kvetching about how hard this is – it is rewarding. I get to spend some precious hours with my daughter and help her with some social skills that she needs to develop.
4.) If you did happen to be suckered in to being a cookie mom – enjoy a glass of wine at the end of the day.

You Make Me Brave

Just over a month ago – a friend in my house group gave her faith story  where she talked about how this song by Amanda Cook – has helped her through some difficult seasons in her life. After she gave her testimony I jotted down the artist and song name, and immediately added it to my playlist on Spotify. Listening to it, and really enjoying it.

It wasn’t truly until two weeks ago that it began to really take hold. Our hearts are unbelievably broken as I shared with friends and the world on facebook that Niko is now running wild and free with Tyler & Eli. For those that didn’t know he was ill, just before Christmas he began acting strange, and it almost seemed as though he was going blind. After a few days and after him running into walls and trees we brought him into our vet who believed he had central blindness, and refered us to an Opthamologist.

The Opthamologist confirmed the blindness and said that we needed to see a veterinary neurologist. After consulting on the phone with one of the techs at the University of Minnesota – and learning that we’d have to spend several thousand dollars to maybe get an answer -and then another 10-20K for treatment on what was most likely a brain tumor we decided to love him up in the best way possible.

Unfortunately he progressed much faster than we thought he would. Within a month he could barely walk, was loosing control of his bowels and spending nearly all of his time sleeping.

I know for those that aren’t passionate about dogs it’s hard to understand that our dogs and pets are really so much more than just pets. The loss off three dogs, two of which were just puppies in 18 short months, shouldered by my dad’s death is a devastating blow, but I think about what Ann Voskamp once said, when speaking about being thankful for every gift that God has given us. To appreciate hard gifts as well. Because the hard gifts WILL BE for good… the good gifts will be FOREVER and the BEST GIFTS will be forthcoming. I love that.

I don’t think that my losses were gifts necessarily, but God can somehow make ugly situations beautiful.

My husband and I recently went to see the movie American Sniper. Both in the movie and in real life when a Navy man is in BUDS training one of the things the trainers make them to is walk out into the surf, sit down and let the waves crash over them again and again and again.
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In  Amanda’s lyrics, You Make me Brave she sings, “As Your love, In wave after wave crashes over me, crashes over me. For You are for us, You are not against us..” and I look back and think about how true this is.

In the past six months I have leaned in close to God, and have been nearly drowned in His love. Just like the Navy Seals in BUDS training – its like walking out into the surf sitting down, and letting each wave of His grace, comfort and love just crash into you. The ocean is relentless, and God is relentless in his pursuit and love for us.

I am reminded of the promise that God made to His people in Jeremiah 29:11-14 “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” – God’s Decree (MSG)

I have found such truth in verse 14 – When you get serious about finding God, and drawing near to Him. Being in His word daily – filling up on worship music, and good christian books , and wanting more of Christ than anything else – you will be so covered – read – drowning in his love that it becomes like the air you breathe and something you will crave when you wake up each day.

Living in this state of Grace is unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced, and in that, God has made me unbelievably brave. How else could I cope with loss or deal with trouble, or difficult days , or plain old LIFE without him near me? I am living a BRAVE new life right now, and when he calls me out into the water – I don’t tread lightly but RUN to him as the Anchor that He is.

running-into-the-ocean

Anchor

The last day of twenty fourteen!
I thought it was only appropriate to look back on where I was, where I’ve come and what I have before me. Last year I posted a litany of resolutions, or what I called Purposeful Intent. Something that I intended to do with purpose. While I did some of the things on my list, I failed completely at others.

Instead of a list that will just show me how futile human attainment (for me at least) can be, I opt in instead for a word to focus on, and a verse to pray over. I’m also in the process of writing down A Thousand Gifts – things I love to show me how I’ve been blessed and loved by the Lord, and of course my trip to the BWCAW.

Way back in 2013 I had chosen a verse for the year to focus on. I wrote it out on scratch paper in pen, and taped it to my electronic calendar which was Proverbs 19:21 – Many are the plans in a person’s heart,but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Each day since, I’ve looked at that verse and repeated it to myself. This verse gave me such a great deal of comfort while we waited to find out if our daughter was going to get into the school we desperately had hoped for, and in the aftermath of my dad.

This past summer while my father was still clinging to life in the hospital Proverbs 3:5 just would not leave my mind. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. This was my mantra – and still is. There is no way for me to understand what happened, and all I can do is trust fully in the Lord and know that this is not the end of the story.

After hearing this amazing song by none other than Hillsong United (Who brought us Oceans) I could not get the word ANCHOR out of my mind. In fact I almost named this blog –  littleblessedlife.com with something to do with an anchor.  It seemed so powerful with both me and my dad having served in the Navy and then with this overwhelming desire to go to the BWCAW this upcoming spring I knew that this word was going to be it for 2015. It wasn’t until I started looking for a stock photo of an anchor for this exact post that I came across Hebrews 6:19 and my jaw dropped to the floor.

Click for source

The lyrics of this song which will not get out of my head was ripped right from Hebrews 6:19. Oh how I believe in this verse with my entire being, my entire soul! When I came across this song late this fall, the lyrics immediately gave words and real structure to what I had been feeling in my heart these past few months, but could not say myself.  It felt deeply like my postlude to Oceans in a way and to my story. I had been led out into the deep waters, walked on water and am now holding so tightly to my Anchor, my God to keep me from blowing away. I find it difficult at times to explain what I am feeling inside, but this song and its lyrics do it so beautifully.

On any given day when I felt the tides rise up, ready to wash over me I listen to this song with arms stretched out and face lifted, and immediately feel the Lords presence surrounding me. Its strange in a way to me how deep my faith has grown since July. Its not as though I grew up with unbelief. From as long as I can remember I believed in the story of the cross, but some how I now just know its true. Every time I sing to God, and pray I feel my dad right next to me.

In these storms it is so easy to drift, and be consumed with the rains beating down on you –  but with the Anchor holding me in place I will not drift, I will not fall I will not be consumed with fear and despair, but consumed with faith, hope and love. Love that was nailed to the cross.

My Father has been so present in my life these past six months, its overwhelming to the point of tears when singing worship songs. I can’t imagine how my father feels being face to face with Him.  “He gave everything to save the world He loves”.

Hope. What brings joy to the heart, which brings light to the world, and the laying out of full trust in the Lord. Drink in these words with me. Let them wash over you, and I wish you each a blessed and remarkable 2015 where you grow closer to the Lord.

These words are my anthem, my battle cry.

I have this hope
As an anchor for my soul
Through every storm
I will hold to You

With endless love
All my fear is swept away
In everything
I will trust in You

There is hope in the promise of the cross
You gave everything to save the world You love
And this hope is an anchor for my soul
Our God will stand
Unshakeable

Unchanging One
You who was and is to come
Your promise sure
You will not let go

Your Name is higher
Your Name is greater
All my hope is in You

Your word unfailing
Your promise unshaken
All my hope is in You

I am such a sucker for acoustic versions of songs- so when i found this there was so much joy and elation in my heart! I hope you enjoy!

 

The Night Before Christmas

Merry Christmas readers! I am so unbelievably excited to unveil FULLY my new blog tonight with a squeaky clean custom design! This is another reason why I combined Not Quite Hinterland, and Where Feet May Fail together. Thank you to my mom who got this for me for Christmas! I hope you love it as much as I do. Across the top you will see categories. If you come to my blog to read about Faith stories – click on Faith and you will see everything I have posted about Faith etc- Feel free to grab a glass of Egg Nog or some wine and look around!  But enough digressing. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merry season of all when God so loved this world. This world. That He GAVE his only Son. Himself in human form. For us. Oh what a gift. Among all of the presents we’re given, this gift – that God gives – is the greatest gift.

This song has always been one of my favorites, but listening to it this year held an extra special meaning for me. I am so thankful that God came to this world – so that we could be reconciled with him. What gives me greatest comfort with my dad is knowing that I will see him again. On this night He literally changed history forever. We changed how we count time and years from this moment.

We are still so lost though as a people. If anything just turn on CNN, open your twitter feed or log on to Facebook. “Into darkness, sadness, desperate madness, creation so torn, We were, so lost on earth, no peace, no worth, no way to escape. In fear, no faith, no hope, no grace, and no light, But that was the night before Christmas.

My daughter is acting in a major play this upcoming weekend, and of course we have several family members and friends who want to come and see her. I purchased 19 tickets to the tune of over $220 and they were being safely kept in our daughters dance bag.

When my mom asked this evening for the tickets, I ran out to the car to retrieve the tickets and to my horror the envelope was gone. I searched through the car in haste, under the seats, and in the back seat pockets, glove compartments, center council and completely emptied my purse. No luck.

I must have left the tickets at home.

I went on enjoying the evening under the full assumption that the tickets were safe at home on our front counter which would be the most logical place, so when we got home, and my husband asked if I had found the tickets I immediately went to look on the front counter. Looking under presents, and books and purses I couldn’t find them. I immediately went to the kitchen and searched the kitchen counter and table.

No.

* Re-Emptied my purse. No
* Emptied another purse. NO
* Began to panic. Yes
* Searched bookshelf. No
* Searched Car. No

Then I had a horrifying thought. We had just gone to the MN Wild Hockey game and I had cleaned out my car. What if I had thrown the tickets away? I was in luck the trash man hadn’t come yet. So I went to the trash bin, tipped it over on its side, climbed half in, and disgustingly and painstakingly went through each piece by piece. I kept thinking to myself, what if I don’t find the tickets. I will have to answer to everyone who is so excited to see her and tell them they can’t go. Then I thought about the money – and how I’d owe everyone back their ticket fee. Devastatingly I didn’t find the tickets.

I got back in the house, washed my hands, and e-mailed the dance and theater director to see if there was any way to re-issue the tickets. I went back and looked in my purses, the counter tops, the bookshelf the cupboards, the car (three times) and her room and ours. All turned up no.

I told Jason, “Honey – if you have them please tell me. I won’t even be mad if you were trying to teach me a lesson, but he didn’t have them.

Then I had a thought that maybe they were in my desk at work. I’m not really sure why they would be there, but I asked Jason how crazy it would be to drive 20 miles to work at 9pm on Christmas Eve. I felt like I was going to throw up so I poured myself a glass of Chardonnay and began to type the blog post for tonight.

While typing my husband began looking in the drawers I had already and then was going to look in the cupboard above the computer that I had also already looked in. I told him – yeah – look in there, pull out the desk organizer and search through. I already looked, but its not going to hurt to look again. Right behind the three hole punch like a Christmas miracle there they were.

I squealed with delight, exhaled, and nearly threw up again out of relief.

Now I tell you this story – not to show you how irresponsible I am, and the slight chance I’m getting early Alzheimers, but to give a parallel to Luke chapter 15.

How much more does God love us? How much more would he search for us? Certainly we are worth more than play tickets!
Luke 15 tells the story in verses 4-10
“Suppose one of you had a hundred sheep and lost one. Wouldn’t you leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness and go after the lost one until you found it? When found, you can be sure you would put it across your shoulders, rejoicing, and when you got home call in your friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Celebrate with me! I’ve found my lost sheep!’ Count on it—there’s more joy in heaven over one sinner’s rescued life than over ninety-nine good people in no need of rescue.

“Or imagine a woman who has ten coins and loses one. Won’t she light a lamp and scour the house, looking in every nook and cranny until she finds it? And when she finds it you can be sure she’ll call her friends and neighbors: ‘Celebrate with me! I found my lost coin!’ Count on it—that’s the kind of party God’s angels throw every time one lost soul turns to God.”

I threw my arms around Jason and was overcome with Joy when those tickets were found.
Without the light of Christ, there is fear, and no hope, and no grace. We are lost. God had a plan though to come down on a rescue mission to find all those who were lost and hurting and in despair.

For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. ~ John 3:16-17.

What are you looking for this season? I know that when I look into myself I feel so lost and have no peace, no worth, no way to escape. I am consumed with the thoughts of, “Why did MY dad have to die so young, so tragically… Why did MY young dog have to go blind? Its so easy to get caught up into Me Me ME that I start treating God like he is some magical genie that only exists to make my life happy… but when I look to the cross… I realize that “Salvation wrote the song – the night before Christmas”.

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I can put my entire trust in the Lord. Over the past year it has been made so crystal clear that God is sovereign, and that God is in control. I am completely comfortable not knowing all of the answers, and quite honestly, I’m not sure if I would even understand on this side of heaven.

What is lost to you? Dare you look to the star shining above tonight? Dare you follow it like the Sheppard’s did? The star that light up the night… The Night Before Christmas.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday Dad!

For as long as I can remember you were the first person I would call on our birthday. We would both wish each other a happy birthday and often sang the traditional birthday tune in an off key rendition that only we [and our family] could appreciate. So happy 66th birthday! The age that you could officially retire (even though you had been for years now) you went off to the ultimate retirement home! Please give Jesus a hug for me.

I think about you often Dad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you, but those moments in the day when I don’t something still feels amiss or off. Its like something is missing, and I have the physical feeling that I did something terribly wrong. You know when you feel guilty and your insides feel tight, and there is that quiet pressure near your sternum waiting to bubble up. Though I didn’t do anything wrong, something did go terribly wrong. That’s what grief physically feels like. You would know having lost your mother when you were 11 and your dad in your 40s.

I am so blessed to have so many amazing memories to hold on to. Like little birthday presents I unwrap these memories and remember. Sometimes its remembering a look you gave me, they way you danced, an experience that we shared, or a quiet embrace. You were such a gentle soul.

Mom, Missy, and I (and later some others) are off to tour the local Vineyards today!  The idea of having dinner at home and only singing happy birthday once was too raw – but because of my love of wine, and yours too – we will be going ’round to the wineries and raising a glass today and lighting your candle along the way. (Check out the photos on Instagram by searching #vineyardbday, and #partingGlass)

Our family holds deep Irish traditions, so I raise a glass high to you dad! You were the best. Your entire life from what I could see was built on making others feel loved and welcome. Truly you were a man after Gods heart, and an imitator of Christ. I miss you every single day dad. Oh how I wish you were not handed the parting glass! I wish I could take it back and have another year with you, another moment, another breath. But come fell to you – the parting glass. You’re never forgotten, and always treasured so deep in my heart.
I raise my glass to you with this song. An old Irish hymn that cries out from the grave.

Happy Birthday Dad. Today I spread my wings and fly out of the nest – all on my own. Thirty-Four years and I am soaring Dad. I can’t wait to see you again. May it be just a breath between now and then when we sing in merriment again!

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Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.

Lay it at His feet

Through the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, and BWCA trip planning its easy to forget why there is a giant hole in my heart. I’m learning through it all to lay it down at His feet. Everything I’ve ever tried to hold on to, and figure out on my own has been met with anxiety and worry.

Allow me to explain.

I’ve written down a few times that I’m was very nervous about my birthday that is coming up in now 14 days. A birthday that I had shared with my dad since that Monday morning that I came into the world 34 years ago at 11:13 a.m. The day that I became connected with my father, and bonded in this date forever. The last time I posted about it, I was in the depths of sorrow finally allowing myself to think about what my birthday will look like without him.

Without the joint birthday song singing, cake eating, and typical birthday fanfare we once shared.

I prayed a prayer that night asking God to take this feeling of anxiety surrounding my our my? birthday from me and woke up feeling refreshed about it. My sister had come up with an idea that was actually a deep desire that I had had that I didn’t even know she knew. Maybe she didn’t know. Maybe it was God planning out what he knew was in my heart.

We are planning to go on a Vineyard Tour of several of the Western Wisconsin/Eastern Minnesotan wineries along the St. Croix River Valley. Wine – something that I love and something my dad loved as well. We are going to bring his candle along and light it at each vineyard and raise a glass to birthdays and memories. I think I like this idea for future birthday’s as well, or at least some version of it.

God is in the business of answering prayers friends. He will never leave me or forsake me.

It wasn’t easy to get to this more restful place though. I had to lay this down at the feet of Jesus. I have to lay down a lot of things at His feet. When I tried to hold this part in, and stuff it down it became unbearable to bear. Jesus says, “Come to me, Lindsey who is weary and carries heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT and mine)

You see friends, when we lay our cares and worries at the feet of Jesus he picks up those heavy, messy and broken pieces. That angst and fear that can drown us.

Psalm 55:22 Give your burdens to the lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. // 1 Peter 5:7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. // Philippians 4:6-9 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Amen Amen Amen.

Redeeming Helper,
Thank you for your strength Lord. Thank you for letting me rest in you. Thank you for carrying and taking this burden of worry for me. Whenever I have called out to you to help me you’ve never failed me. You are always here whenever I need you. Thank you for being consistent Father and loving me always.

Amen Amen Amen.

Sing Oceans

I’ve heard from several people recently that they do not like singing the song Oceans – by Hillsong.  Up until very recently could hardly sing it anymore without bursting into tears. It is a song, made up of lyrically powerful stuff! And I get it. I get why they don’t want to sing Oceans, or why people even suggest that you don’t sing Oceans – but I say sing it, mean it, live it.

If you’re not familiar with the song, or are just joining my blog for the first time, here are the lyrics.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will standAnd I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mineYour grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine[3x]

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine.

To me this song is a pure and powerful prayer that does not hold back. It is an invitation of the Holy Spirit to the soul, but one should not be afraid of the lyrics. Its not saying, Lord I will do all of these things if you bring hardship into my life, or please Lord bring hard things into my life so that I can have a deeper understanding of you. No… I don’t believe that’s what this song is saying at all…

There will come a time in your life when the proverbial shit, hits the proverbial fan. We live in a broken world that is not fair, or just, but God is. If i’ve learned anything in my life I’ve learned that none of us are promised an easy life – but we can choose how we overcome these hard times. If you haven’t experienced hardship yet it will happen… but you don’t have to do it alone.

Let your faith run deep, wild and free – because as I was saying this prayer over the past two years it built up in me a strength I honestly do not believe I would have had if i hadn’t prayed these lyrics. I don’t think by singing this song constantly over the past few years the song invited my dad to choke to death. That was due to a series of terrible fateful things lining up with terrible timing and circumstances. I don’t believe it was the Holy Sprit saying, Okay Lindsey – you’ve prayed the prayer here you go, here’s your hardship so that your faith can grow deeper,  but rather Lindsey – this is the situation. I’m sorry, but its time to get out of the boat. You’re going to have to trust me that I will catch you.

Whether you sing this song or not, there will come a point in your life where things are going to be hard. That is life on this side of heaven. Maybe it’s deciding if you have the financial means to be a stay at home mom, or if you should choose a college that is close to home, or across the country, maybe you’re facing a tough time at work, trying to raise half a million dollars for a church, or several thousand for a mission trip or facing a sickness, or a sudden death.  Whatever water you face which is unique for us all, there is a savior that says to all of us, “Do not be afraid, I am with you.”. (Isaiah 41:10)

There is a game my daughter learned this summer that many of us adults know, and its the trust fall game. Where you and a partner stand next to each other, and the first person closes their eyes, stretches out their hands, and falls back towards the ground and your partner catches you. Oceans is just like that. Its saying, you know what. I will trust you so deep Lord that I will let go and when I fall I know that you will be right there to catch me.

To me this song is all about preparing your heart and soul now in a deep relationship with Christ so that when we face hard times we know without a fraction of a doubt that Jesus is with us. This song is all about building a relationship with Jesus about inviting us to trust God deeply, not invite hard times in our life. That will happen all on its own. I don’t know about you, but when I am in the boat of life and the waves start to grow bigger I thank God with all of my might that Jesus will be there with me. I do not think it was an accident that I was singing this song with all of my might the moment I got the call about my dad. It was God who knows all things, knew I needed to be reminded of these lyrics one last time before I heard the news.

So sing Oceans. Don’t be afraid and sit on the side lines of faith. Nothing great comes from sitting on the sidelines. Peyton Manning did not beat Bret Favre’s career passing touchdown record by sitting on the sidelines, Wayne Gretzky, and Michael Jordan did not get where they did by sitting on the sidelines. Martin Luther King Jr, and Rosa Parks did not change history by sitting on the sidelines, and I am not just “handling my dad’s death” by sitting on the sidelines. I am living each day the lyrics of Oceans. Each day is not easy, but each day i know that when I call upon His name, God is rushing to me, embracing me with his kindness, and grace.

I will keep singing Oceans and asking God to continue to lead me where my trust has no borders. I refuse to put God in a box, but will let him touch all areas of my life and beg him to take me deeper in faith then my feet could ever wander on their own… so when I have a hard day – or something else strikes I will be ready.

Invite the Holy Spirit to do great things in you. Sing Oceans. Sing it loudly in your car, sing it quietly before bed, and let your faith run wild and free in the deep waters.

I know I have linked to this song before, but this is my most favorite version of the song.

Here’s My Heart Lord

I stated early in this process that my cousin said to me, “Lindsey… these are the times that your faith either grows unimaginably stronger, or you loose it all together”. She was so right. I suppose you could continue on in your faith as usual, but I am a person of deep feeling, and emotion. Maybe its because of that genetic makeup of my being, or because I have been inviting the Holy Spirit into my life in such a deep and powerful way, but the blinders have been lifted off my eyes.

Of course I’ve always always believed in Christ as my savior, but now its not just believing, its seeing, and feeling.

When everything else is taken away from me, I am reminded that God is more than enough, He’s all I have, He’s everything.

He’s the life link between me and my dad, who I know is standing beside him. I can’t imagine if my dad was not a follower of Christ – and I would be unsure if he is in heaven, but I know with all of my being that he is.

In all of this – my heart has been so fully surrendered to God. I trust so deep to my core that he is sovereign in all things. How couldn’t I?

One area in my life I have been shoving down more privately however is the subject of my birthday – a birthday whom I share[d] with my dad. Even when I was in the Navy I shared my birthday with our physician/LT so I’ve never really really had my birthday be my own… Anytime I allow my self to think about it too much I feel a full blown panic attack approaching. My mom, bless her, asked what I wanted for my birthday dinner and cake since it would be all up to me now…

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Frankly I guess I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to pick a cake by myself or a meal for dinner. Initially I think that maybe I just don’t want my birthday at all anymore, I don’t care. The thought of it is inconceivable to me… but a thought crossed my mind – that maybe picking my own cake, or my own birthday dinner feels like I’m taking advantage of the situation. My dad and I are supposed to battle it out. I don’t want swiss and cranberry pork tenderloin and he doesn’t want chipped beef… I want 7 up Bunt Cake, and he wants Keys House Cake. Of course I have the options to myself now… but I don’t want to. It feels all so wrong, and stings.

Its also a blinding reminder that it is true that my dad is gone, and maybe that’s the hardest part, or maybe a combination of the three.

Several years ago my prayer for my life were the lyrics of the song Oceans. Oh how I prayed for those lyrics to come true. God has faithfully lead me to this place of deep wonderment. Of course it was NOT the way I supposed it would happen, but nonetheless I am here trusting God without boarders.

I heard this song during worship a few weeks back and have been listening to it nearly every day since. It is my new prayer.

Father I am ready and here upon the waters as you’ve called me – the great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find You in the mystery In oceans deep My faith will stand.
And I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I AM Yours and You ARE mine.

Father I have felt your beautiful presence in my life so strongly these past four months that I see you Lord. You have shown me your mercy, and love, and holiness in a way I never would have seen otherwise. Though my feet feel like they are FAILING ME whenever I think about my birthday – the moment in time when you created me, created my father, and joined us together with You – I know that you will be with me through this. Though this marks strongly reality for me that my father is with you Father let me be in prayer that I am comforted by you and your grace once more.

I’m here Lord. I’m in the waters, and they are a scary place to be. I feel myself sinking, but then I see that you are with me. While I am here Lord – speak what you need to, and want to. The blinders are off, my ears are listening and tear filled eyes are pointed and focused towards you. Through this season I am found, I am Yours I am loved, I’m made pure. I have life, I can breathe I am healed, I am free. You are strong, You are sure, You are life, You endure. You are good, always true You are light breaking through. You are more than enough, You are here, You are love. You are hope, You are grace YOU’RE ALL I HAVE, YOU’RE EVERYTHING!

– Here’s my heart Lord – Here’s my life Lord – Speak what is true.

Training Grief

Growing up I was the youngest of three children. I grew up in a typical household and the typical order of the siblings. Because I was the younger one I usually followed my brother and sister around.

Grief is like that. Like an annoying little brother or sister that just follows you around and won’t leave you alone. Its always there. Some days it allows me to have very good days where I am cheerful, and not a painful memory crosses my mind, but its always there. There is always a nagging sense even on my good days that it is still close by.

Recently on a social media post about grief I read, “Some days all I want to do is stay in bed, holding my grief close. But I have trained it now so it follows me out into the world, staying a respectable distance behind, allowing me to laugh and live as well as cry and die”. I just love that. It shows the ebbing and flowing and reality of grief. 

I’m not broken though. As the statement below says, but I’m trying to discover my life after death. What it all means now living without my father, and the reality that I cannot call him anymore, or see him, and that he will not show up to life events. Though he will always be close to me in spirit I have to learn to find the beauty in this ugly reality.

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God never promised a care free life free from pain on this side of heaven, but with him by my side I can start making that second stitch.