My favorite song for the past several years has been Oceans (where feet may fail) by Hillsong United. It always strengthens my faith, and I suppose you could call it my life song. I’ve been listening to these words and asking God to strengthen my faith to a point where my trust in Him would have no bounds. Take me to a place that though my feet may fail… my faith will not…
I was listening to it the morning of July 1st. I was listening to it very loudly in my car on my way to work that morning, which I often do – when I saw that my mom called. I decided to let it go to voice mail and that I would call her back when I got to work. I was deep in the heart of worship asking God to allow my faith to go where it never had gone before… Again she called, and again I let it go to voice mail continuing to worship, and sing with the lyrics.
I was literally crying out ~
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior.
Little did I know that fate was about to lead me to a place where my trust in the Lord would have to have no borders. I had to trust Jesus Christ as Peter did in Matthew 14:22-33. When Peter said, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” wherever you would call me, “Come”, said Jesus. When Peter saw the immense waves upon him he became terrified and began to sink and cried out, “Jesus save me”…. Jesus saved him and said to him, “Why did you doubt me” ..
I never could have imagined that I would be in a place of deep uncharted waters. A place where Jesus was going to say, “Come”… The third time my mother called I decided I should answer it.
My dad had some toast and milk for breakfast and grabbed a handful of mixed nuts. He began to choke, and lost consciousness despite my mother’s, neighbors and medics help… he never did regain it. The news she shared crushed me. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and screamed out to God on top of my lungs, “Please God, nooo, Please Jesus Jesus rush to the hospital and save him, save him Jesus Jesus”.
He went into a coma with a significant brain injury, and herniation where we had to make the unbearable decision to remove life support.
I’m mere days into this from the time of the phone call, and my faith that I am relying so heavily upon had been made stronger since the several months ago that I began praying this prayer and I absolutely feel that I am in the presence of my Savior. I am walking on Holy ground, and its a humbling place to be.
My pastor always said, that we will go through rocky times. Up until now, my life has been pretty care free. I’ve lost a few aunts and uncles and grandparents, but loosing a parent is something new and terrifying. Just last Sunday, June 29th my pastor talked about “Getting out of the Boat”… making your faith so strong that you would get out of the boat even though it may not make sense or be comfortable. Though I didn’t know it at the time… two days later I was going to be getting out of the boat.
During the time of his coma we didn’t know if he was already with Jesus, or still here, but we knew that his soul was still alive. I prayed that God would lead him safely home and that his trust in God would help him get there.
My dad meant everything to me. I was born on his birthday and always felt very special because of that, like I was his ultimate present. I know that he loved my siblings as much as me, but I always did feel so special to my dad. We shared so many of the same passions, and often had deep philosophical conversations, and could talk matters of faith for hours. My dad was a man of deep faith, and though he was humble when I told this to him on Fathers Day this year, he really did try to imitate Christ the Father as he was a Father. He was just, but just as he was fair in all things, he was mightily merciful. He was playful, and he was strong. So many people have asked me how I am. I can honestly say… I don’t really know. I’m in a real different place right now and am feeling such a flurry of emotion that I don’t know. Everything is so bitterly raw right now. I am in a haze, and I know once it lifts, and the people go away, I will be able to feel much more than I do right now.
I hope you continue to follow my journey as I go through these emotions, and if you are in a place that is on similar ground I hope you find some encouragement here.
The outpouring of support we have received has been breathtaking. I always knew philosophically that people would rally around you when tragedy struck, but the outpouring of support we’ve received has been so incalculable its taken my breath away and has made me feel loved beyond measure. If anyone wonders if they should send a message, or comment on Facebook, or show up to visitation or the funeral – please yes do… it means the world that you think enough about my siblings, and mother enough to send us a note or come and show support.
The past few days have been a blur with funeral plans. We feel like we’re planning a wedding on five days notice, and I am sure that at the end of it we will be exhausted, and left alone with memories that will sink in and sting. Though I have hardly gotten any sleep since last Monday night because of the sheer whirlwind of emotions, planning, and shock of it all I know that next week reality is going to sink in. I’m scared of where that place is going to bring me, but I know that Jesus draws near to the broken hearted, and gives strength the the weary. Isaiah 40:29-31.
He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
My feet find themselves on ground where they’re apt to fail. But through my faith in Jesus Christ my Lord may my faith grow stronger in the presence of my savior, and may the Lord of all healing, and hope carry me through this.
Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
The outpouring of support we have received has been breathtaking.