I was never one to beg to God. Yet there I was in the hospital waiting room blogging on Caring Bridge about my father clinging to life, with such little hope, and yet I felt so perverse for writing it. Had I given up hope, in the God who said in Luke, “For Nothing is imposible with God.” Luke 1:37? I believed it, and I believed it to my core. I still believe it.
I had my bible with in the waiting room. It was actually in my purse. Last year I had boughten a thinner bible that I could keep with me in my purse and I transferred over every highlight and every underline from myriad other bibles I owned into my new bible. I began paging through the Word of God on Wednesday July 2nd after the ICU doc came in and told us that in uncertain terms… my father was not going to come out of this.
I began frantically paging through my bible in a desperate search for something. I didn’t know what, but I have enough highlights that I was begging the Lord that I would find something that would comfort me, or help me. I came across the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 17:21:22, “Then he stretched himself upon the child three times and cried to the Lord, “O Lord my God, let this child’s life come into him again. And the Lord listened to the voice of Elijah. And the life of the child came into him again, and he revived.” After I read that I waited for a time that nobody else was in the room with my father, and I too laid over his body three times and begged God to save him. Perform the miraculous, and beat the odds and bring him back to life. Give it all to His glory the saving of my father.
I waited. But nothing happened.
A let down for sure, but still a hope in the Lord that he had a plan. Was my father already with Jesus in heaven? Is that why he couldn’t come down? Had my father been given the choice, and then deciding after seeing Jesus face to face that he could not turn away from his savior? A verse sits on my desk that I remind myself of every day, “Many are the plans in a persons heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21.
Surly I had plans, my mom had plans, and my siblings, and his countless family members and friends had plans… but ultimately it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. In the Lords prayer we pray that, “Your will be done”, not mine… and although I don’t understand this plan, I still believe to my core that Jesus who is Lord in heaven has a plan, and that he is sovereign and in control. I do not understand it, but to lean into Jesus this much feels a tad liberating. I don’t have to have all of the answers, but bless the Lord of heavens armies that my faith is so strong that I look up and say, God… I do not understand this, but I believe with all of my heart that you do, and that my father’s passing after just 65 years on this earth was timely in your eyes.
I’m reminded of an example that my pastor told once… when we look at life and our story… its like looking at a huge canvas that fills the entire room. Perhaps at first we see but a speck….
Sure it looks pretty, or we think, okay, i’m going to look at some pictures of some clouds, and blue sky. This picture is undoubtedly a picture of the sky and clouds. I have all of the answers and I know better. But when we step back to the whole view… of the whole story of what God sees, is this picture not more beautiful then we could have imagined?
If all I am focused on is what I want, and my plans, and what I can see, I miss out on the entire picture. Though I begged for MY will to be done, God had a plan, and ultimately it is his purpose that prevails. I think its okay that I don’t understand, but I’m so blessed that I don’t really care.