Since late April I’ve been waiting for eggs. I got an itch to raise my own chickens after my good friend Pam promised me how easy they were to raise. Research was poured into breeds of chickens for this harsh Minnesota climate and hours were spent on Pinterest finding the perfect chicken coop plan for my husband to build.
Last June I got my chicks and after a fateful attempt with round one after Sadie killed the first batch, I have been waiting patiently with batch number two since then. (Two red stars/Isa Browns and two Black Australops).
Like a human mother in her ninth month of pregnancy I wait and wait and wait. Any day now we could see eggs in their nesting boxes, so each morning like a kid on Christmas I run out to the chicken coop before work to see if my girls have given me any eggs.
So far they’ve been keeping their legs closed pretty tight, but are always happy to see me and are getting quite friendly with me even allowing me to pet them and pick them up. Each time I approach the Coop I hear a bak bak bak and I bak bak back.
They are incredibly easy to take care of and love being let out to nibble on all of the greenery my October yard has left to offer.
I have lost track of who’s name is who’s especially after we had to get rid of Henry who used to be Beatrice who then turned into Babs and is now Henry the rooster residing in elk River Minnesota… The problem with naming them is that you get attached, and before you know it they turn into roosters and you have to get rid of them! At least I can still visit Henry….But clearly I digress!
So now they’re just my girls… And I’m their shepherd waiting for them to lay eggs, or am I considered a farmer? These are the musings I contemplate laying in bed while trying to fall asleep.
Which I must do because I have nesting boxes to check in the morning!
Growing up I was the youngest of three children. I grew up in a typical household and the typical order of the siblings. Because I was the younger one I usually followed my brother and sister around.
Grief is like that. Like an annoying little brother or sister that just follows you around and won’t leave you alone. Its always there. Some days it allows me to have very good days where I am cheerful, and not a painful memory crosses my mind, but its always there. There is always a nagging sense even on my good days that it is still close by.
Recently on a social media post about grief I read, “Some days all I want to do is stay in bed, holding my grief close. But I have trained it now so it follows me out into the world, staying a respectable distance behind, allowing me to laugh and live as well as cry and die”. I just love that. It shows the ebbing and flowing and reality of grief.
I’m not broken though. As the statement below says, but I’m trying to discover my life after death. What it all means now living without my father, and the reality that I cannot call him anymore, or see him, and that he will not show up to life events. Though he will always be close to me in spirit I have to learn to find the beauty in this ugly reality.
God never promised a care free life free from pain on this side of heaven, but with him by my side I can start making that second stitch.
This letter or posting… whatever you would like to call it, is truly for you today. Time is whirling by, and can’t believe that it’s already mid September! Its been nearly 80 days since that fateful day in July. The day that my own heart stopped beating, and my new life took over.
My pastor just gave an AMAZING sermon on friendship last weekend, and if you have the time I encourage you all to listen here titled Maximize Your Friendships.
It reminded me that I have to thank you all. Not just a general thank you, though this probably does seem pretty general, but a real honest, bottom of my heart thank you!
You have all been absolutely amazing. Some of you dropped everything you were currently doing to help take care of Kiki, or transport her to us… you showed up to the hospital or services with a needed smile, a nod of understanding and a warm hug, and have continued to be there for me and my family with words of encouragement, and getting together to talk and have some wine on the deck.
You’ve known when to come close, and stay far from the subject when you sense it is too much for my emotions that day or moment. I swear I have bi-polar when it comes to what I want. I want to talk non-stop about my dad and choke on my words about how sad it makes me and let the tears fall from my face, and at the same time I don’t want to talk about it at all. Perhaps not talking about it helps me forget that it actually happened. Perhaps talking about it makes me feel so much closer to him so that it feels as though he’s not so far away.
Thank you all so much for meeting me where I am at the moment where our lives intersect at the moment they intersect. Some days I am miserably sad, and other days I’m the most joyful Lindsey you’ve seen. You seem to know and get what I need. I do still need all of you. Your presence makes me feel so loved, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. Every hug you give, or even your own thoughts and prayers on your own time are felt. Truly. Your words of encouragement to me be it on my blog post, in a text, on Facebook or even a call is not overlooked, but cherished deeply. I feel myself literally being lifted up by all of you.
As Paul states to the Thessalonians in 5:17, “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”you are building me up. You are encouraging me, and building me up.
I can only hope that someday I can return the favor to you as well. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It feels so good to be loved, and thought about, and cared after.
I was going to originally title this post A is for Anger.
Ever have one of those mornings where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? I definitely did today.
I was having an incredible dream, though at my father’s funeral I kept seeing him crystal clear… He was talking to me and I felt a sense of calm wash over me… But each time I looked deeper at him it was not my father at all, but instead was my uncle Buck or my uncle Joe… I would push through the crowd looking for my dad but I couldn’t find him….
Our eight month old dog woke me up whining uncontrollably to be let out at 5:30 this morning… I was so angry that he woke me up that it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Soon I was barking my own orders around the house to the dogs and to my daughter, and was slamming the doors and stomping around in the process.
After I dropped little Miss off at school, I experienced what seemed to be a never ending series of events that happened one after another. And incompetent cashier that declined a check that shouldn’t have been declined, a gift registry that kept flashing error and wouldn’t print and another cashier who couldn’t help me at all. I was feeling fully deflated and annoyed by the time I actually got to work.
Once I finally got to work fully annoyed at my morning I broke down after several envelopes got stuck together in the mail room. I thought to myself why is life pissing in my Cheerios? I stood there sobbing and hoping nobody would walk in on me. I pulled myself together and went back to work.
Later on I was affixing this letter “A” sticker on to something else and kept repeating to myself, “A is for anger” “A is for anger”, which was actually making me more angry and deflated. A few coworkers noticed I was quite taciturn today and asked if I was alright. I lied and said I’m fine…
But later on in the day when I was facing towards my wall coworker asked if I was okay and I silently shook my head “no”. I grabbed my purse and went to my “Secret Garden” to regroup. I cried out to the Lord, “Help me. I’m so sad today Lord. I have such a bad attitude of anger and I’m so sorry that I yelled at my daughter and my pets. I’m angry Father. I’m angry and so sad that my dad had to die so stupidly. Its STUPID God…. He wasn’t old, he wasn’t caught in the crossfires of a drunk driver, or diagnosed with cancer or heart disease…. its something that could happen to anyone, and I hate it. I feel so helpless, and so scared God that I could die any day… any moment… and oh life seems so muted. All the life has gone out of everything, and it all just looks so stupid. I haven’t given up hope Lord in life… no, but the wind has been let out of my sails…. I feel as though I have lost my navigation map and compass… where do I go from here Lord? Help me Lord. I have so much to do these next few weeks… help me. Restore my soul and lift me up Father. I need your help. Return in me a joyful and patient heart. Father I ask that nobody asks me when I go back why I left so abruptly… please let me re-enter as if nothing happened at all. Maybe nobody even noticed, but if they did Father I ask that they let it go… or wait for a better time. Please God… help me get through these next few hours, days, and weeks….
And He did.
God is so great in that way. Soon I felt a complete calm rush over me that is so unexplainable that my only explanation can point towards the God of all comfort. I retuned to work feeling happy and content, and ready to face whatever it threw at me. I was able to think more clearly, and was even cheery again.
This is such a hard road I am going down. I know that there are people in this world suffering far worse than I am right now, but this is my plight. It hurts and stings and on the eve of my grandfather’s (would be) 100th birthday. I cant help but think of my own birthday. I’m so scared and sad. I know it doesn’t have to be a scary or sad day…. but so far even the mention of it, or thought of it sends me into sheer anxiety. I take a deep breath in, and push it all away.
I know I will have to confront it soon… but for now I am content… I still feel the sharp edge of sorrow waiting and the world feels completely out of balance, but my hope is in the Lord. I will lean on those who love me, and not be afraid to show emotion when the train of sadness and anxiety hits. I need people right now. Please pray for me… I am absolutely NOT in a dark and scary place where anyone needs to feel concern… but I am absolutely sad and disappointed in how things turned out for my own selfish gain.
I know for fact that my dad is in a better place. He loved Jesus with all of his heart. I know he is absolutely in heaven rejoicing right now. I know that this time that we are separated is but a breath to him now that time doest not play a factor in his new life, but it plays such a huge factor in mine. I thought it would be YEARS upon YEARS before we would be separated…. and even that thought was unbearable… The only thing that brings me comfort is to know that he is praising Jesus face to face and that he is experiencing a sense of joy right now that only I read about in the Bible.
I realize that this is a different kind of post tonight. More open and honest and raw than ever before. Truth be told my feet almost failed me today. I almost stood in those waters and just let the tide wash over me, and drown me. But Jesus was there the whole time, with his arm out saying, Lindsey… take my hand… take it… let me help you. This does suck…. but I am here… I am with you. I AM. I reached out to God, and am in his arms.
Love came down and rescued me today… Love came down and set me free from this anger that was siring up inside of me. I heard this song on the way home tonight, and it was so perfect, and so fitting that I just had to share it with you all.
I hope you enjoy this song as much as I did tonight.
Fall is officially upon us here in Minnesota. The high today was a brisk 53 degrees, and soup definitely sounded like it was going to be the dinner entree of choice! I stopped by the Farmers Market on the way home and picked up my weekly haul from Minnesota Fresh Farm, grabbed a bottle of my favorite Tempranillo, and decided that for the first time I was going to ACTUALLY try the Caramelized Onion and Beet Soup I found on Pinterest several weeks ago.
This dish was incredibly easy to make. All I had to do was trim the stems and tails off my beets, and then peel them up. Next I sliced up an onion and the rest was “chuck in the pot and go”. I even had FRESH homemade chicken broth from the whole chicken I made up two days ago… in exactly 4 cups! I mean… how awesome is that! Nearly everything that went into the pot was grown within 15 miles of our home. (including the chicken!)
The aromas that drenched our house were amazing! My husband did not think so, and since he hates onions he went to Burger King! (GASP!!) Instead I finished up this recipe, plucked some basil from my garden and put in several leafs when it came to blending. So I suppose mine fully integrated with basil. I toasted some walnuts for about 7-8 minutes and decorated with full basil leaves.
Isn’t it gorgeous?
Thank you so much goboroot for posting this on pinterest, or thank you to whoever pinned it… and thank you Emi for creating such a delicious and GORGEOUS dish!!! It tastes very similar to Basil Tomato soup with the basil in it, and the earthiness of the very easy drinking, light tannin really Tempranillo brings out the beet root taste.
Its been two months to the day now since my dad has been gone. That seems strange, and it seems like its been at least a year. Time is funny that way.
Last year my family (my parents, husband , kiddo, siblings and their families) all took a trip to Voyagers National Park via a Houseboat expedition. It wast the most unreal trip of my life! And since then I’ve been excited for family trips, but nothing like how I was excited for that trip. The time spent as family and the deep conversations that were invoked, the beauty of scenery were par none.
Just about a month ago I’ve become completely obsessive over my first trip into the BWCAW. Its something I’ve wanted to do for several years, but just in the past month I’ve felt an irresistible urge to go, and have gotten more excited over it so far, than perhaps I’ve gotten about anything…. ever. My husband daughter and I and maybe the dogs plan to go next summer, and if that goes well we will go each year. Hours have been poured into which route to take, what time of year would be best and what gear is critical for this trip. I’m so thankful that my husband is getting into it a bit as well.
My dad knew me… knows how much I enjoy nature and peace and adventure. I honestly feel like it is him and God that is leading me towards this trip. A trip for healing. Not only in the trip itself, but as my dad said when planning our trip to Voyagers last year, half the fun is in the planning and anticipation. I’m going to take this present- as a time to heal.
The author of Ecclesiastes shares that there is a time for everything.
I had no idea what to write about this week until I was driving home today and heard this song on the radio – I’ve heard it many times before but hadn’t ever paid any attention to any of the lyrics until today. I’ve sang with the song even the harmony, but literally could not tell you even what the song was about… but tuning into the lyrics and listening today it was just so perfect. I listened to it at LEAST 20 times between 5pm and 10:30 p.m.
This is my favorite part of the song –
Funny how the good ones go Too soon, but the good Lord knows The reasons why, I guess
Sometimes the greater plan Is kinda hard to understand Right now it don’t make sense I can’t make it all make sense
So I’m gonna sit right here On the edge of this pier And Watch the sunset disappear And drink a beer
At this moment – I am sitting in it. I’m not trying to make sense of any of it, but just sitting in this thing we call life. Thinking and crying through memories that I was lucky to share with my dad. It would be just like my dad to sit and watch a sunset and enjoy a beer, or a glass of wine or a margarita… and even if there was chaos around him, he would admire that sunset because that’s what was happening at that moment.
He was so good about quiet reflection, and was always about the special moments and lived his life Carpe Diem ~ seizing the day!
He had a knack for turning ordinary moments into extraordinary moments and if you were lucky enough to be near him during these times, made you feel like you were the most special person on Earth.
I’ve been reading and marinating through Psalm 23 which was one of the readings we picked out for my dads services. I also picked up a book that really goes in and dissects Psalm 23 verse by verse, word by word so that you can really drink it in. Currently I’m really focused in on verses 1-3.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.
I really feel as though the Lord is placing in my heart a feeling of contentment. He makes me lie down in green pastures – or sit on the edge of the pier – where I am safe from the turbulent waters. He calms the waters, and is restoring my soul. Not to say that some nights I don’t cry myself to sleep or have my moments, but overall I have a peace about me that is unexplainable. Its as if God and my dad have a hand on my shoulder… saying… we’re right here. Its okay.
For whatever reason I’ve been called to this moment. So, I’m going to walk out and sit on the edge of this pier of life and watch the oceans rise and fall, and be in this moment. Seek what it is teaching me beyond what lies on the surface, seek out the beauty of this moment…and watch the sunset disappear. ~ And have a glass of wine.
Since my last post I have gone out to see my dad’s grave site which now has a marker on it. It sets things in, and makes this whole ordeal real. My daughter and I laid in front of the marker, and stared up at the heavens. I asked her what she thought “Poppie” was doing at this moment, and she thought perhaps that he was watching Snow White with all the kids that were already in heaven… (a favorite past time of theirs).
“I sat at his grave and cried for my missing friend and for all the lost opportunities. God is good and God is sovereign, but sometimes he’s so hard to understand.” -Sam Childers ‘Another Man’s War’
Compliments of Danielle Conley
Proverbs 3:5 comes immediately to mind, when reading the quote above – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. (NLT). Isn’t that so true. In these precious moments I have nothing BUT to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. I dare not depend on my own understanding because nothing about what happened makes sense. But I feel a sense of calm come over me anytime that I just repeat to myself that God is good… and God is sovereign. He is in control and someday I will too will understand.
I honestly try hard not to think about it too much. – the why’s and the what ifs… It hurts my head, causes me anxiety and puts in me a fearful heart. Do not confuse this with “stuffing it down” which I certainly am not…I’m being a realist. I could search this world until the end of time, and I am convinced I will never have the answer. So why dwell on it and waste emotion on unanswerable questions.
I’m currently living with forgetting. Not forgetting my dad in general of course and not flat out denial that he died, but just forgetting that he did die. Just yesterday a friend of mine wrote a post on Facebook about a housing inspection she needed to get through and I almost commented stating that I would ask my dad if he could do it… In a blink I smirked to myself forgetting for a moment that he was no longer on this side of heaven.
In his book “A Grief Observed C.S. Lewis talks about this. “Its not true that I’m always thinking of H. Work and conversation make that impossible. But the times when I’m not are perhaps my worst. For then, though I have forgotten the reason, there is spread over everything a vague sense of wrongness of something amiss. Like in those dreams where nothing terrible occurs – nothing that would sound even remarkable if you told it as breakfast-time – but the atmosphere, the taste, of the whole thing is deadly. So with this. I see the rowan berries reddening and don’t know for a moment why they, of all things, should be depressing. I hear a clock strike and some quality it always had before has gone out of the sound. What’s wrong with the world to make it so flat, shabby, worn-out looking? Then I remember.”
Each day brings me something new. Most days I have purely blissful moments, and now, more often than not I am generally happy. But I still feel this cloud looming over me, as if it is following me, raining down, getting me wet, ruining my plans, and being generally annoying.
I’m learning to dance in the rain though… and make the most of it. It’s my new normal as my cousin’s wife pointed out to me shortly after my fathers passing. She shared,
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler.
So what am I learning from dancing in the rain? I have grown so much closer to God in this place. Though I am wet, and damp, and frustrated that my plans didn’t turn out how I thought they should go there is a beauty here that I wouldn’t have known had I not been here. I feel a sense of newness in my relationship with Christ that is stronger than ever before. I feel so deeply dependent and in love with Him, not as a crutch, but in gratitude that I don’t have to figure any of this out on my own. I don’t have to do this by myself, or try to understand it. I can cast all my cares on to God who will sustain me, and not let me be shaken. ~ Psalm 55:22. (My paraphrase from NIV)
I am learning through Philippians 4:13 (NLT).“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength”. I can get through this grief and see the sunshine of tomorrow behind the veil of the rain. I can rest assured that my father is joyfully praising our Creator face to face. I feel strengthened by Christ, and closer to him and more thankful to Him than ever before. I will pour out praise to Him over and over again because it is His breath in my lungs.
I have been busy blogging over at, Where Feet May Fail after the sudden passing of my father, but did want to get back to you guys and the happenings of life in Minnesota.
Our daughter has gone back to school already and is in the 1st grade and loving it! Last year she was the last class in Minnesota of 1/2 day Kindergarteners, and now all schools must provide all day kindergarten to all of their students. The transition in to a full day of learning leaves our little one tired, but also excited for learning! We can’t wait to see how she grows this next year!
I’ve been signing up for the “Pick of the Week” program at Minnesota Fresh Farm which has proved to be an invaluable find this summer! Each week I pick up $25-30 worth of produce for just $20. I have been getting fresh cucumbers (since mine went to crap), tomatoes (since mine went to crap), green beans, peas, corn, and more! We’ve gotten so many cucumbers I decided this weekend to make pickles! I’ve never made pickles before, but thought I’d give it ago. I had two different recipes making for two different kinds of pickles.
My co-worker Breanne who blogs over at Borealis ~ Northern Life passed down her grandmothers recipe to me! I felt like I had won the lottery because aren’t grandmothers recipes the best, and always completely delicious!
It called for: 7 c. very thinly sliced cucumbers (into very thin coins) – Approximately 4-5 cucumbers. 1 c. sliced onion (I rough chopped mine since my husband hates onions, but doesn’t mind the flavor) 1/2 c. green pepper/cut lengthwise 2 T. Salt 1 T. Celery seed
Mix all together and place in 1 quart canning jars.
In a small saucepan heat until boiling together: 2 C. Sugar 1 C. White Vinegar
Pour sugar/vinegar mixture over the cucumbers in the canning jars to the top and refrigerate.
I have no idea how long they take to “cure” – so I need to find that out. They are so pretty however right?
Fresh Pickles I found this baby on my favorite website – Pinterest! Of course it is complements of the blog Red Star Lone Star. 2lbs small cucumbers ( I used regular size and just cut in half and then cut into quarters spears or more) 1 bunch fresh dill Several cloves peeled and thinly sliced 4 cups (1 liter) unflavored club soda/carbonated water 3 tablespoons salt
Trim the ends off cucumbers. Layer cucumbers, dill and garlic in a glass container. Dissolve salt in water, pour over the cucumbers to cover them completely. Cover and brine in refrigerator at least 24 hours.
Apparently the carbonated water is supposed to make the pickles extra crunchy! I’m actually not a big fan of pickles… but my husband loves them, so I thought why not try something new. Plus homesteading is so much fun!
This past week has been hard. Reality is starting to sink in and I realize I need to cling to our sovereign Lord tighter than ever before. Each night when my head hits the pillow and I go to finally shut my eyes I just find a flood of tears rolling down my face. I think this is okay and I find it healing.
Sometimes its just good to cry, and let it all out. I’ve been finding myself, when feeling choked up to choke it back down. Not for any particular reason like not wanting my friends to see me cry, because I’m a pretty “wear my life on my sleeve” kind of gal, and I’m not trying to be, “A strong christian woman” who never cries, because as we know from John 11:35 “Then Jesus wept”; God cries too.
We have a God who loves us, and empathizes with us and weeps openly with us. Perhaps I hold it in because I know once I start I can’t stop, or perhaps I’m not in the mood to grieve, or I’m having a good moment. This past week though, involuntarily as soon as I shut my eyes at night I too weep.
My Shepard is leading me DEEPER than my feet have ever wandered before. To a place that is the holiest of holies. The lyric in the song by Oceans says, Take me DEEPER than my feet would ever wander, where my faith would be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior…
I feel closer to God than ever before and today at the spur of the moment I decided to go back to Eagle Brook Church for worship and I’m so glad I did. I was treated to Pastor Steve’s last day there. He is the worship pastor and his musicality is unlike anything I’ve ever heard in my life. Today of all days was his last day as Worship pastor at EBC. I’m disappointed that he is moving on, but I was so lucky that I chose today of all days to worship with him to worship the God of the universe.
During the message we were invited to memorize our key verse which was so fitting for this season of my life, “Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again – my Savior and my God!” ~ Psalm 42:56
I was locked in with God this morning, and will praise Him again and again. I do know why I am discouraged and why my heart is so sad, and I will still praise him again and again and again! Because of what He did on the cross, He broke the curtain that separated us from Him. My father is worshiping with my heavenly Father and someday I too will join them! There is a tender loving reason to celebreate.
He brought me deeper into worship than my feet would have ever gone by themselves. During the song posted below I drunk in each word, and the tears flooded down my face as I could barely sing any of the words aloud.
My Lord is my first, He is my last, He is my Future, He is my past.
I’m so thankful down on my knees that I’ve known Jesus my whole life. He is my first and my past because of my dad [and mom] who faithfully lead me to church every Sunday growing up. My dad pointed me towards this loving God of the universe, and through his own life imiated Christ. He showed the world what it really meant to love one another, and extend mercies beyond all understanding.
I’m no closer to having any answers, but I’ve leaned into God more this week than I have ever before, which is exactly where I think God wants me to be. He is my Future and always has been, but i just see it so much clearer now.
I invite you to listen to this beautiful song that in the words of Pastor Steve, made my eyes sweat today!
Little Blessed Life 
