Happy Birthday

Happy birthday Dad!

For as long as I can remember you were the first person I would call on our birthday. We would both wish each other a happy birthday and often sang the traditional birthday tune in an off key rendition that only we [and our family] could appreciate. So happy 66th birthday! The age that you could officially retire (even though you had been for years now) you went off to the ultimate retirement home! Please give Jesus a hug for me.

I think about you often Dad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you, but those moments in the day when I don’t something still feels amiss or off. Its like something is missing, and I have the physical feeling that I did something terribly wrong. You know when you feel guilty and your insides feel tight, and there is that quiet pressure near your sternum waiting to bubble up. Though I didn’t do anything wrong, something did go terribly wrong. That’s what grief physically feels like. You would know having lost your mother when you were 11 and your dad in your 40s.

I am so blessed to have so many amazing memories to hold on to. Like little birthday presents I unwrap these memories and remember. Sometimes its remembering a look you gave me, they way you danced, an experience that we shared, or a quiet embrace. You were such a gentle soul.

Mom, Missy, and I (and later some others) are off to tour the local Vineyards today!  The idea of having dinner at home and only singing happy birthday once was too raw – but because of my love of wine, and yours too – we will be going ’round to the wineries and raising a glass today and lighting your candle along the way. (Check out the photos on Instagram by searching #vineyardbday, and #partingGlass)

Our family holds deep Irish traditions, so I raise a glass high to you dad! You were the best. Your entire life from what I could see was built on making others feel loved and welcome. Truly you were a man after Gods heart, and an imitator of Christ. I miss you every single day dad. Oh how I wish you were not handed the parting glass! I wish I could take it back and have another year with you, another moment, another breath. But come fell to you – the parting glass. You’re never forgotten, and always treasured so deep in my heart.
I raise my glass to you with this song. An old Irish hymn that cries out from the grave.

Happy Birthday Dad. Today I spread my wings and fly out of the nest – all on my own. Thirty-Four years and I am soaring Dad. I can’t wait to see you again. May it be just a breath between now and then when we sing in merriment again!

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Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.

Here’s My Heart Lord

I stated early in this process that my cousin said to me, “Lindsey… these are the times that your faith either grows unimaginably stronger, or you loose it all together”. She was so right. I suppose you could continue on in your faith as usual, but I am a person of deep feeling, and emotion. Maybe its because of that genetic makeup of my being, or because I have been inviting the Holy Spirit into my life in such a deep and powerful way, but the blinders have been lifted off my eyes.

Of course I’ve always always believed in Christ as my savior, but now its not just believing, its seeing, and feeling.

When everything else is taken away from me, I am reminded that God is more than enough, He’s all I have, He’s everything.

He’s the life link between me and my dad, who I know is standing beside him. I can’t imagine if my dad was not a follower of Christ – and I would be unsure if he is in heaven, but I know with all of my being that he is.

In all of this – my heart has been so fully surrendered to God. I trust so deep to my core that he is sovereign in all things. How couldn’t I?

One area in my life I have been shoving down more privately however is the subject of my birthday – a birthday whom I share[d] with my dad. Even when I was in the Navy I shared my birthday with our physician/LT so I’ve never really really had my birthday be my own… Anytime I allow my self to think about it too much I feel a full blown panic attack approaching. My mom, bless her, asked what I wanted for my birthday dinner and cake since it would be all up to me now…

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Frankly I guess I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to pick a cake by myself or a meal for dinner. Initially I think that maybe I just don’t want my birthday at all anymore, I don’t care. The thought of it is inconceivable to me… but a thought crossed my mind – that maybe picking my own cake, or my own birthday dinner feels like I’m taking advantage of the situation. My dad and I are supposed to battle it out. I don’t want swiss and cranberry pork tenderloin and he doesn’t want chipped beef… I want 7 up Bunt Cake, and he wants Keys House Cake. Of course I have the options to myself now… but I don’t want to. It feels all so wrong, and stings.

Its also a blinding reminder that it is true that my dad is gone, and maybe that’s the hardest part, or maybe a combination of the three.

Several years ago my prayer for my life were the lyrics of the song Oceans. Oh how I prayed for those lyrics to come true. God has faithfully lead me to this place of deep wonderment. Of course it was NOT the way I supposed it would happen, but nonetheless I am here trusting God without boarders.

I heard this song during worship a few weeks back and have been listening to it nearly every day since. It is my new prayer.

Father I am ready and here upon the waters as you’ve called me – the great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find You in the mystery In oceans deep My faith will stand.
And I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I AM Yours and You ARE mine.

Father I have felt your beautiful presence in my life so strongly these past four months that I see you Lord. You have shown me your mercy, and love, and holiness in a way I never would have seen otherwise. Though my feet feel like they are FAILING ME whenever I think about my birthday – the moment in time when you created me, created my father, and joined us together with You – I know that you will be with me through this. Though this marks strongly reality for me that my father is with you Father let me be in prayer that I am comforted by you and your grace once more.

I’m here Lord. I’m in the waters, and they are a scary place to be. I feel myself sinking, but then I see that you are with me. While I am here Lord – speak what you need to, and want to. The blinders are off, my ears are listening and tear filled eyes are pointed and focused towards you. Through this season I am found, I am Yours I am loved, I’m made pure. I have life, I can breathe I am healed, I am free. You are strong, You are sure, You are life, You endure. You are good, always true You are light breaking through. You are more than enough, You are here, You are love. You are hope, You are grace YOU’RE ALL I HAVE, YOU’RE EVERYTHING!

– Here’s my heart Lord – Here’s my life Lord – Speak what is true.

A time to heal

Its been two months to the day now since my dad has been gone. That seems strange, and it seems like its been at least a year. Time is funny that way.

Last year my family (my parents, husband , kiddo, siblings and their families) all took a trip to Voyagers National Park via a Houseboat expedition. It wast the most unreal trip of my life! And since then I’ve been excited for family trips, but nothing like how I was excited for that trip. The time spent as family and the deep conversations that were invoked, the beauty of scenery were par none.

Just about a month ago I’ve become completely obsessive over my first trip into the BWCAW. Its something I’ve wanted to do for several years, but just in the past month I’ve felt an irresistible urge to go,  and have gotten more excited over it so far, than perhaps I’ve gotten about anything…. ever. My husband daughter and I and maybe the dogs plan to go next summer, and if that goes well we will go each year. Hours have been poured into which route to take, what time of year would be best and what gear is critical for this trip. I’m so thankful that my husband is getting into it a bit as well.

My dad knew me… knows how much I enjoy nature and peace and adventure. I honestly feel like it is him and God that is leading me towards this trip. A trip for healing. Not only in the trip itself, but as my dad said when planning our trip to Voyagers last year, half the fun is in the planning and anticipation.  I’m going to take this present- as a time to heal.

The author of Ecclesiastes shares that there is a time for everything.

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Let the planning begin!

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I’m gonna sit right here

I had no idea what to write about this week until I was driving home today and heard this song on the radio – I’ve heard it many times before but hadn’t ever paid any attention to any of the lyrics until today. I’ve sang with the song even the harmony, but literally could not tell you even what the song was about… but tuning into the lyrics and listening today it was just so perfect. I listened to it at LEAST 20 times between 5pm and 10:30 p.m.

This is my favorite part of the song –

Funny how the good ones go
Too soon, but the good Lord knows
The reasons why, I guess

Sometimes the greater plan
Is kinda hard to understand
Right now it don’t make sense
I can’t make it all make sense

So I’m gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
And Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

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At this moment – I am sitting in it. I’m not trying to make sense of any of it, but just sitting in this thing we call life. Thinking and crying through memories that I was lucky to share with my dad. It would be just like my dad to sit and watch a sunset and enjoy a beer, or a glass of wine or a margarita… and even if there was chaos around him, he would admire that sunset because that’s what was happening at that moment.

He was so good about quiet reflection, and was always about the special moments and lived his life Carpe Diem ~ seizing the day!

He had a knack for turning ordinary moments into extraordinary moments and if you were lucky enough to be near him during these times, made you feel like you were the most special person on Earth.

I’ve been reading and marinating through Psalm 23 which was one of the readings we picked out for my dads services. I also picked up a book that really goes in and dissects Psalm 23 verse by verse, word by word so that you can really drink it in.  Currently I’m really focused in on verses 1-3.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
     He restores my soul.

I really feel as though the Lord is placing in my heart a feeling of contentment. He makes me lie down in green pastures – or sit on the edge of the pier – where I am safe from the turbulent waters. He calms the waters, and is restoring my soul. Not to say that some nights I don’t cry myself to sleep or have my moments, but overall I have a peace about me that is unexplainable. Its as if God and my dad have a hand on my shoulder… saying… we’re right here. Its okay.

For whatever reason I’ve been called to this moment. So, I’m going to walk out and sit on the edge of this pier of life and watch the oceans rise and fall, and be in this moment. Seek what it is teaching me beyond what lies on the surface, seek out the beauty of this moment…and watch the sunset disappear. ~ And have a glass of wine.

Proverbs 3:5

Since my last post I have gone out to see my dad’s grave site which now has a marker on it. It sets things in, and makes this whole ordeal real. My daughter and I laid in front of the marker, and stared up at the heavens. I asked her what she thought “Poppie” was doing at this moment, and she thought perhaps that he was watching Snow White with all the kids that were already in heaven… (a favorite past time of theirs).

“I sat at his grave and cried for my missing friend and for all the lost opportunities.
God is good and God is sovereign, but sometimes he’s so hard to understand.”
-Sam Childers ‘Another Man’s War’
Compliments of Danielle Conley

Proverbs 3:5 comes immediately to mind, when reading the quote above –  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. (NLT). Isn’t that so true. In these precious moments I have nothing BUT to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. I dare not depend on my own understanding because nothing about what happened makes sense. But I feel a sense of calm come over me anytime that I just repeat to myself that God is good… and God is sovereign. He is in control and someday I will too will understand.

I honestly try hard not to think about it too much. – the why’s and the what ifs… It hurts my head, causes me anxiety and puts in me a fearful heart. Do not confuse this with “stuffing it down” which I certainly am not…I’m being a realist. I could search this world until the end of time, and I am convinced I will never have the answer. So why dwell on it and waste emotion on unanswerable questions.

I’m currently living with forgetting. Not forgetting my dad in general of course and not flat out denial that he died, but just forgetting that he did die. Just yesterday a friend of mine wrote a post on Facebook about a housing inspection she needed to get through and I almost commented stating that I would ask my dad if he could do it… In a blink I smirked to myself forgetting for a moment that he was no longer on this side of heaven.

In his book “A Grief Observed C.S. Lewis talks about this. “Its not true that I’m always thinking of H. Work and conversation make that impossible. But the times when I’m not are perhaps my worst. For then, though I have forgotten the reason, there is spread over everything a vague sense of wrongness of something amiss. Like in those dreams where nothing terrible occurs – nothing that would sound even remarkable if you told it as breakfast-time – but the atmosphere, the taste, of the whole thing is deadly. So with this. I see the rowan berries reddening and don’t know for a moment why they, of all things, should be depressing. I hear a clock strike and some quality it always had before has gone out of the sound. What’s wrong with the world to make it so flat, shabby, worn-out looking? Then I remember.”

Each day brings me something new. Most days I have purely blissful moments, and now, more often than not I am generally happy. But I still feel this cloud looming over me, as if it is following me, raining down, getting me wet, ruining my plans, and being generally annoying.

I’m learning to dance in the rain though… and make the most of it. It’s my new normal as my cousin’s wife pointed out to me shortly after my fathers passing. She shared,

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler.

So what am I learning from dancing in the rain? I have grown so much closer to God in this place. Though I am wet, and damp, and frustrated that my plans didn’t turn out how I thought they should go there is a beauty here that I wouldn’t have known had I not been here.  I feel a sense of newness in my relationship with Christ that is stronger than ever before. I feel so deeply dependent and in love with Him, not as a crutch, but in gratitude that I don’t have to figure any of this out on my own. I don’t have to do this by myself, or try to understand it. I can cast all my cares on to God who will sustain me, and not let me be shaken. ~ Psalm 55:22. (My paraphrase from NIV)

I am learning through Philippians 4:13 (NLT). “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength”. I can get through this grief and see the sunshine of tomorrow behind the veil of the rain. I can rest assured that my father is joyfully praising our Creator face to face. I feel strengthened by Christ, and closer to him and more thankful to Him than ever before. I will pour out praise to Him over and over again because it is His breath in my lungs.

You give hope, You restore

Every heart that is broken

GREAT – ARE – YOU – LORD

Retreat – To the Shores of Lake Superior

This past weekend my husband, siblings (their spouses), and myself headed up to Madeline Island, Wisconsin. A vacation that we had planned for several months was a very welcome distraction and came with perfect timing! We were able to share memories, and also spend the majority of the time goofing off as siblings do! It was such a welcome distraction from the non-stop feeling that my world is falling apart.

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I have a bit of a confession. I’ve heard from many of you who have admired my strength and my faith, but to be raw, and honest, and real… this past week I had been fretting over answered and unanswered prayers. Does God even hear me when I pray? Does he even care about my will, or is it all up to him? I laid awake last Tuesday night in hysterics thinking that God doesn’t hear me at all, and what even holds our universe let alone world in balance? I imagined our planet flying through space, and wondered desperately what holds us together? The prince of darkness tried to drench me with his lies that God is far away, and that he doesn’t care about anyone. But in an instant I was sobered when I took pause and read verses like:

Luke 12:24-34:Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? “Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I even felt better when I read the words of Jesus when hanging on the cross cried out to God saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” Matthew 27:46.  Even Jesus himself questioned the Father, and He was not offended.  The feeling is normal. Asking questions is completely normal.

The prince of darkness tried to make me stumble and fall, but I have the strength of Jesus Christ on my side, and have the treasures of His word in my heart.  I know the real truth and the real story is that God loves me. He loves my dad, and He loves my family. It wasn’t Gods aim to make us feel like our world was falling apart, to cause us angst, or worry, or despair. But God loves us through it all. Through these messy times where we question him, and even wonder if He hears us he Loves us. When I doubt that my will is ever done He loves us. When we question if anyone in this world matters He loves us.

He is not offended by these questions, or when we stumble and fall, He is there to catch us, not stand by and be offended. He loves us, He loves us, He loves us!

Here is the back story on the song “How He Loves” which is a lot like my own story.